I have to mention, through the chaos of everything that was going on, I did have a couple people (church leader, friend, some family members) that never did give up on me. Of course, it was hard for me to see that as being significant since it seemed like everyone else was just laughing at my failures, telling me I was going to hell, or agreeing that I should kill myself. But to the few that never gave up on me, I am eternally grateful to them; I wouldn't have been able to get myself out of that mess and to where I am today without them...Even though it seemed like there was nothing left worth saving, they believed in me, and I couldn't have done it without them.
The Prom for my senior year was quickly approaching (at my school, prom is two nights in a row). Jared and I had originally agreed that one night we would go together, and the other we would go with someone else. Partially because we weren't officially together at that point in time (we were within one of our breakups), and also because his parents were somewhat forcing him to go with someone else the second night.
During school that Friday there was an assembly going on, Jared went to it, and I went home during that time frame. I was ticked off because we were fighting and I didn't want to be around him. Eventually when I returned for my next class, I found out from other student's that Jared had apparently been dragged out of the school by some cops. I found out later that he had gotten pissed off at one of the teachers (because they told him to put his phone away during the assembly) so he punched the teacher, and then practically ran a girl over as he stormed out of the assembly hall. I also heard that he ended up getting sent to a mental hospital, and to be honest I was quite happy and relieved to hear that at first. I felt like maybe I would finally be safe, at least for a little while, and maybe he would get help. Well that was short-lived, he ended up getting released that same night. Somehow his parent's were able to talk them into letting him go, blaming everything on me instead. I was the problem, I was the reason he was acting this way, I was the one to blame for ALL of his problems.
Anyways, because of all of that, we ended up missing the first night of prom (the one where we were supposed to go together). So for the second night, I planned to go with my friend who I had already asked. Well Jared had other plans, he threatened that if I stepped foot into the school with someone else he would kill them. So instead we planned to go together that Saturday night (which I agreed with, because I didn't want to make him angry). Well a couple hours before the prom, he decided to inform me that he was going to go with someone else instead. Here he threatened that if I brought someone else, he would literally beat them to death; then says I "have to go with him" and then last minute he bails on me and decides to go with someone else. He blamed it on the fact that his parents were making him go with this other girl...and blah, blah, blah. Either way, I was just emotionally drained from everything going on. The threats, his anger problems, and my emotions; I was just drained from it all.
So after I got off work that night, I decided I needed to get out, I couldn't just sit at my house and sulk in my depression. I knew my depression well enough by that point, that I knew I would turn suicidal if I allowed myself to sulk inside with my current state of mind. I tried contacting anyone I could think of, but everyone was busy, no one was available. Finally I went to more of a last resort shot, and texted my friend from Northern Utah (Jason, the one I had previously ran away to). I just needed someone to spend time with, so that I wasn't left alone in my negative thoughts/emotions. Well he agreed to have me come visit (he had always been very nice to me) so he was excited for me to come visit, and I was excited to have someone to hang out with and to get away from Jared for a night. Jason was a good friend of mine, we had been chatting back and forth for about 4 years by that point. He always seemed to be there for me when no one else would, and always encouraged me to try and get out of the crappy relationships I was in. All in all, I thought he was a great friend, and that he would never hurt me.
When I got up to his place, he took me out to dinner, and we went to see a movie. I don't even remember the last time someone had taken me out for a "real" date, let alone offered to pay for me. Since a date night to Jared had pretty much just turned into me getting raped for his own pleasure. Anyways, I was having a blast with Jason; it was fun to feel like someone was actually enjoying my company, and not forcing me to do something I was uncomfortable with. I felt like I was getting a glimpse of what a real relationship was supposed to consist of, where the guy actually treats you with a little respect.
Well I had spoken too soon...and found out yet again that it was only a cover up, treating me nicely so that he could use me later. By the end of the night we ended up kissing, but even that made me feel incredibly guilty, uncomfortable, and scared. One because I didn't trust guys, and two I was scared for how Jared would react. Even though there was the fact that he was out with another girl anyways, and he only used me for sex. It still scared me, I knew he wouldn't react well.
Things managed to turn bad very quickly. Like I mentioned, I already felt guilty with even kissing, but somehow by the end of the night he managed to use my broken state to get to the point of sex. I was beyond numb by that point, I just laid there and cried silently to myself. What was wrong with me, I couldn't be around a guy without getting used like this? I didn't want sex, in fact I hated sex. I had experienced nothing but horrible things from it; it only left me feeling disgusting, used, and like an object. And yet here I was AGAIN...practically getting raped by someone I thought was a friend; lying there crying, while he didn't care. He noticed my tears, but he dismissed it quickly, and when he was finished with me he went straight to sleep. I left as soon as I could the next morning, all I wanted to do was get out of there, but at the same time I had no desire to return home, I know what awaited me there. (By the way, I didn't end up hearing from that guy again until a year and a half later, when I eventually found out the truth about who he was. Apparently he was not only a drug addict, but sold drugs too. And he spent that next year and a half in prison for it) I was shocked when I finally found that out, I don't think I've ever met someone that was so good at hiding who he really was. He had two completely different sides to his personality, and the nice side was SO caring and so easy to get along with.
I know I've mentioned this a lot already, but I hated myself, I REALLY hated myself. I cannot tell you how much I just wanted to send a bullet through my brain, or run my car out in front of a semi. I felt completely hollow inside, my life revolved around getting used by any guy that got the chance, and I didn't know how to stop it, I wasn't strong enough. I could see no positive future, I would have no fairy-tale wedding, and no cute little kids running around. All I could see of my future was getting used and raped or suicide, it seemed like getting used for sex was the only reason I existed. It didn't matter that I had feelings and I didn't want it; apparently that was just how my life was going to be. If there was marriage in my future, I figured it would eventually be with Jared, out of him either forcing me, or getting me pregnant. And if that were the case, I knew that would only mean being stuck in abuse for the rest of my life; I would be the lady that was stuck with the abusive husband, and I would be terrified to have kids because I wouldn't want to bring them into a broken home.
When I got home I just laid in bed all day, I felt dead inside, I felt sick inside and out. I had told Jared the truth about what happened, because I can't stand being dishonest. Don't ask me why I felt obligated to share the truth with him, since his entire relationship with me had been a lie. Of course he freaked out, and he shared the news with all of his friends. Not only did I have him freaking out, and calling me every name in the book; but I had all of his rude friends messaging me non-stop telling me how much of a horrible person I was. Of course, I already felt like I horrible person, and was trying my hardest to hold onto any hope I had so that I wouldn't end my life. But it didn't help that now I was hearing it from all his guy friends, reminding me of it with some of the cruelest messages I've ever received. Jared even managed to force me into having sex with him again (out of a way to "pay for my sin" for sleeping with the other guy) threatening that if I didn't, he would kill himself, or hurt my family.
The next morning the bishop came over to my house to talk to me, my family knew something was wrong by the way I was acting, and they were desperate to see if he could help.
He stood there with me in the front-room of our house, telling me that no matter what had happened that God still loved me, and that he still loved me. Telling me that there is nothing I could do that would change the way that Christ felt about me. I wanted so badly to believe those words, but how could God love someone like me? Why would God care about someone as disgusting and broken as myself? I didn't have the strength to even mutter a word the whole time, I just stood there and bawled my eyes out. I was weak, physically and emotionally; to the point where I ended up fainting from exhaustion. It was a little weird, one moment I was standing there crying and feeling a little dizzy, the next I was lying on the couch with my bishop standing above me. Apparently I had fainted, he caught me and set me on the couch. (he still jokes about that to this day).
I didn't want to be involved with Jared anymore, or any guy for that matter (but then again, that's how I had been feeling for quite a while) Things had gotten to the point where my parent's were trying to protect me a little more, and of course Jared's parents still hated me because of all of the things he was telling them. My parent's agreed to let me change my phone number, I didn't want to deal with him anymore. That didn't stop him from trying to contact me, he would call my house phone and call my work endlessly trying to get me to pick up the phone. I would literally come home from work to over 100 missed calls from Jared, he was driving my family nuts. He would have his friends call my house from different numbers trying to get me to pick up. A few times my family would answer and tell him off, that I had no desire to talk to him. At one point I finally picked up when his friend called. He told me how sorry Jared was for treating me, and that he wanted to marry me, that's why he gave me the promise ring. I was fed up and didn't want to deal with him anymore, I told him he could have the ring back, I didn't want it; I knew he didn't care.
(Again sorry for the language, just stating it how it was) It was also during this time frame that I was talking to one of my old guy friends, and he flat out told me about a conversation he had with Jared from a couple months previous. He asked Jared if him and I were still "together" and Jared's response was: "(laughing)..No, she's not my girlfriend. I just like to F*** her because she just lays there like a dead fish and puts up with it."
OUCH! ....No wonder I would supposedly "lay there like a dead fish", did it ever cross your mind that I didn't want sex? That I tried multiple times to get you off me, and you would threaten? Did it ever cross your mind that what you were doing to me was rape? Of course not....to him it was all a game. A game to force me into staying with him, I was his sex toy, and he thought it was hilarious that I was trapped with him. I cared enough for his life to stay with him, but to him it was a game, I was trapped in his grasp, and he loved it.
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