11. Fight or Flight

I was hit hard by my miscarriage; I don't even know how to explain how sad I felt inside, I just wanted my baby, I felt like I had lost my chance to be a Mom. Even though I was only 17 at the time, I was dying to be a mother, and the fact that I could have been and lost it was devastating to me. I can see now that it happened that way for the best, but it still hurt so much at the time, and was a burden I've carried for years wishing things would have been different. Jared could see how much this incident affected me, and he found a way to use it in his favor throughout the rest of our relationship. Along with everything else that I was already feeling, I now felt like a part of me was missing, a part that I very much wanted back.

Over the next couple of months, a lot more drama continued to happen, things were a mess like always. I felt like my emotions were even that much more uncontrollable now that I was dealing with the loss of my baby. 

It was still a never ending cycle of Jared threatening suicide, and me running to the rescue every time, because I couldn't bear losing him to suicide. On one instance when his parents were away, and he was depressed, he begged me to come see him, saying he needed me, he NEEDED MY HELP. I couldn't just say no, as badly as I did not want to be involved I could not tell him no. The night before he had been threatening all night, sent me a picture of a gun, saying he would shoot himself. My sister didn't want me to go to him, because one she was scared for my safety, and two there was a big snow storm. I waited it out until the next morning, I couldn't bear to ignore it anymore, so I went down to see him, to try and help him. 

I should have just stayed home, but I didn't have the heart, I cared too much. When I got down there things were okay at first, we talked a little. But things quickly got out of control when he couldn't get his way. He started to threaten to kill himself in front of me, I panicked, I LOVED this guy, I CARED about him. And now here he was threatening to kill himself right in front of me, because he wanted me to see it. It would effect me so much just to see some random person kill themselves, but the person I cared about most was now threatening to do that in front of me. I felt like my brain was on the verge of exploding, and my body wanted to do nothing but run. I tried to run out of the house but he would not let me escape, at one point I was able to get out into his backyard, but he managed to drag me back in. He was determined that I WAS going to watch him die. He kept saying: "You know I can't live without you, and you want to leave me, so you WANT ME TO DIE!" "If you want me to die so badly, you will have to watch me die, I want you to watch me die!" 

I was beyond FREAKING OUT....I felt like every possible Fight Or Flight response in my body was going off. I don't think I've ever felt so terrified in my life as I did that day. After he dragged me back in the house, he grabbed a knife from the kitchen and kept trying to stab himself. But since I just wanted to run, he instead decided that if he couldn't get me to watch him kill himself, then he wanted to make me kill him instead. So instead he forced the knife into my hands, clasped his around mine and tried to get me to stab him. I used every ounce of strength I had to get the knife out of my hands, I did not want to see him die, let alone be responsible for his death. (You have to realize this guy has about 100 lbs on me, but I was so terrified, that somehow I managed to find the strength). I managed to knock it out of our hands a couple times, and would try to escape, but he would always catch me and force it back into my hands. At one point I threw it across the room, that pissed him off worse; so he decided to throw me across the room as well, hitting a table.  

The two thoughts that kept racing across my brain were: 1. I needed to get away, somehow I needed to get away. 2. I can't believe this is my life, someone is going to end up dead today; God please let me get out of here! I was stuck in a house with a crazy guy, and begging to God to somehow help me find a way out of there.

We continued to physically fight with and without the knife, I would try to get away, and end up getting tackled by him. I kept trying to get to my phone, desperately trying to dial 911; but as hard as I tried I could never complete it before he would jump on top of me and rip it out of my hands. I would get thrown on the floor, where we'd lay there fighting some more. I was desperate, using all of my strength to try and get him away from me, but all I could manage to do was barely keep him from stabbing himself or me getting stabbed. Finally it got to the point where he realized I wasn't going to back down, and I wasn't going to allow him to make me stab him. So he changed up his plan again...

He left me alone for a second in his bedroom, I wasn't sure where he went, all I was thinking was trying to figure out how I could hurry and break out. Within a matter of seconds, he was back, this time with a cord in hand. He pushed me against the bed, took my arms and bound my wrists together behind my back. This time saying..."If you will not kill me, then YOU WILL WATCH ME DIE! YOU DESERVE TO WATCH ME DIE!" He wanted me to not only watch him die, but he wanted me to be scarred with that image for the rest of my life. He wanted me to helplessly lay there bound, while I watched the person I was closest to kill himself in front of my eyes.

By that point I'm pretty sure I went straight into Fight or Flight mode (if I wasn't already in it before). My hands were still bound, but I flipped my body up onto his bed and managed to kick out his window. This would be my last shot at escaping, it was my only option, and I had to make it count. Before I could slip out of his window to try and make a run for it, he caught my arm and dragged me back. I was hysterical- screaming, crying, wailing at the top of my lungs; begging him desperately to just let me go. I kept repeating: I do not want you to die, I cannot stand to see you die...PLEASE let me go, I can't do this. I literally felt like my brain was nothing but mush by that point in time, I had used every ounce of physical strength and emotion that I had inside me, I just felt like collapsing.

Then to my surprise...Jared grabbed me, pulled me in and tried to hug me. Saying: "Kelsie I'm sorry, I love you. Please just stay with me, I didn't mean to hurt you." He started to untie me, laid me on the bed, and said; "Please just let me hold you, I'm sorry."....

Are you kidding me? You just tortured me in every way possible, and now you want me to believe that not only are you sorry, but that you "Love" me?  That was SO typical of him....One moment he's putting me through complete hell....and the next he's trying to convince me that he loves me more than anything. That roller coaster pretty much sums up our entire relationship.

I was exhausted, I literally had no energy to do anything but stare off and cry, I just laid there crying as he tried to cuddle me. I didn't even have the strength to push him away from me, I felt like I was physically and emotionally in shock. I had absolutely no idea what to do. Even if my energy did come back and I tried to get away, I knew he would probably just return right back to how he was acting before. So instead I just laid there, completely numb, as tears streamed down my face.