Since we had some space between us, things started to improve a little, and I was naive enough to think he was finally changing. As much as he had put me through, there was still part of me that was hoping he would get his act together so that we could still have a future together. His Mom had started to monitor him a little better, he was in counseling, and even started seeing a bishop a few times trying to come back to the church.
I was glad for the space, but it was hard for me to be away from home; my one real friend was down there, as well as my family. I would never open up and talk to any of my family about what was going on, I just did not know how, so they only heard bits and pieces through the grapevine. I would take trips back down there quite often, and things began to look up between Jared and I. Since I still loved him more than anything, I was happy to see the changes, even though part of me was still a little weary wondering if I should actually trust him.
Got to love the mindset of a teenager....so naive....and so FRUSTRATING. If only I knew back then what I know now. But I guess that's not how it works!
During that time frame his parent's also had a house that was about 20 minutes away from where I was currently staying, which they were getting fixed up and ready to sell. They were not living in it, but they would come up from time to time to do some work in it. I had gone over there a few times to help them out. One weekend Jared came up to stay at the house, and invited me over (even though his parents thought he was with his guy friends). It was during those couple days that Jared had given me a promise ring as an early Christmas present, we were too young to get married at the time, but it was a promise that some day we would get married. Of course, it was hard for me not to fall back into love with him after that. Though just like any other time, the happy moments did not last long, before I knew it Jared was going on again about how depressed and suicidal he was. Depressed from stuff going on at home, because I wasn't around, for the way he was, etc. Somehow because of that he was able to use my guilt against me to get me to sleep with him again, and that just made things that much worse.
I was always hearing rumors from people saying that he was cheating on me, but I had a hard time deciding whether or not I should believe Jared, or the other people. Since to be honest, I really didn't trust much of any of them anyways. Though I was starting to believe more and more that he was cheating on me, and finding the evidence to prove it. Of course, I was not happy about that, not only did I feel like I was stuck loving this guy, but he also could not even be faithful to me after trapping me there.
Up to this point, I had not brought Jared over to my sisters house (except for once much earlier on in our relationship) and since I had moved up there, the plan was to keep the location a secret as a safety precaution. It was in a busy area, he had only been there once, and he was not familiar with the area, so I was hoping he did not remember where it was.
Another big fight came about, which ended in Jared threatening to commit suicide again. He was demanding to see me in person and insisted that I tell him where I was staying so that he could come see me. I refused, because I didn't want him to know where I lived, especially with the current rage he was in. I continued to tell him not to come, and because of the way he was acting/threatening, I let him know that if he did show up at the house we would have no choice but to call the police. It was a very dark/stormy night, so I figured that would help the fact that it would be harder to locate where I was staying. We even decided to hide my car as a precaution, just in case he did find the area, that he would not recognize the house without my car there.
Somehow he still managed to find the house...and I was terrified when I saw him show up...
My brother-in-law insisted that he would answer the door, because he did not trust Jared one bit, and didn't want anything to happen to me. With the way he was acting, we were worried that he may attempt to kidnap me, hurt me, or try to hurt himself in front of me. He answered the door and told Jared that I did not want to see him, and he needed to leave immediately or we would call the cops. He did not have permission to be there. After some arguing he finally left, but he texted me shortly after saying that he had a gun with him, and was going to kill himself because of me. Of course I was freaking out by that point, and looking outside the house I could see him sitting in his car at the end of the street at a stopsign. He was sitting there for well over 10 minutes. I was worried that he was going to take his life, but I did not trust going out there to try and stop him, because I had a very eerie feeling of what he may do to me.
He stopped responding to me, and still sat parked at the same stop sign, so eventually my sister ended up calling the cops to let them know that there was a suicide risk. They sent up a couple police officers, but by that time Jared had taken off. We did not know where he went, but we knew he was still in the area, and still a threat to himself. Eventually the cops found him, and took him into custody. I had to write up a police statement about what was going on in the relationship, and what he was threatening, etc. He stayed in custody overnight, and his dad came to pick him up the next morning.
I felt bad having to call the police on him, but I don't think he would have made it through the night if they weren't called, he was a mess. When Jared's dad picked him up from the jail, he was extremely pissed off, but then again that's how he normally was anyways. The guy was a complete jerk, I honestly don't think he would have cared if Jared did commit suicide, his only concern at the time was the fact that he had to drive up there to pick him up. I was really hoping that since the cops were aware of what was going on now, that Jared would get some real help. Both for my own safety, and for his own. But of course, that didn't happen, his dad would not allow for it, and Jared refused to admit that he needed help. During that time frame his dad also called up my mom and screamed at her, cussing her out saying that I was the problem, and that I was the reason why Jared was acting this way. Not because he actually cared about his son, but because he was pissed that he kept having to babysit him. He didn't understand that he had depression problems, nor did he care, he even made fun of him saying that he "should kill himself". I try not to say that I hate people, but if there's anyone I do hate, it was definitely his dad, he was a complete Jack Ass to say the least. Here I was trying so hard to do everything I could to help his son, even to the point where my own safety was at risk, but his own dad was perfectly fine with the fact that his son was suicidal. It was also frustrating because Jared would lie to his parent's to protect himself, and blame everything on me. But then to me, he would tell me something completely different. So of course, I was seen as the bad guy, and his parents hated me for it.
Because of the last couple days events, I was beyond depressed and drained. I felt so bad that my mom was being dragged into this. If you met my mom, you would see that she's one of the most religious/Christ-Like people you'll ever meet, and she has a big heart. So when I heard that she was being cussed out by anyone, and even worse by the guy I hated most, I was beyond pissed off. The mixture of being so pissed off at Jared for telling his dad a bunch of crap (which wasn't true at all) that led him to cuss out my mom, and the fact that I felt like I was nothing but trouble to my family made me hit rock bottom.
I got so low, and did not care at all for my life at the moment that all I wanted to do was drink...Drink away my sorrows, and possibly drink myself to death. After all, I felt like nothing could be worse than what I was already trapped in. I was only 17, so I was underage and could not buy alcohol. Since I didn't care about my life at the time, I decided I would just go steal some alcohol. To understand just how low I was; I had never once drank alcohol before, and I had never stolen anything in my life- And I was about to do both. The thought that I was breaking multiple laws did not even fathom me at the moment, I didn't care if I got in trouble, if I got put in jail, my life was already hell. I even remember the thought crossing my mind: "Maybe it would be better if I did end up in jail, at least I would be protected from Jared." That's just how low I had stooped, and how terrified I was of my own life.
I got away with the shoplifting, returned home, and drank a little. Not only was it disgusting, but I realized how stupid I was being, I did not want to start drinking. Eventually I just ended up falling asleep. The next couple days were a blur, I'm pretty sure I was just so consumed in my thoughts and depression that I was pretty numb to the world. After that it was Christmas Eve...so I headed down to spend a few days at my parents, but I had no intention to see Jared while I was down there.
I was already bobbing around somewhere at rock bottom, when I realized I was having a miscarriage. A miscarriage....? I did not even know I was pregnant! Even though I did not realize I was pregnant, it cut me to the core that I had a baby in there, and now it was gone. That baby was dead...and not only did the Dad not give a crap, but I felt like I had murdered it. I felt like my stupid decision to have a drink a couple nights before resulted in my baby's death. I didn't tell anyone what was going on, except Jared, hoping that somewhere in there he would care. He tried to pretend like he cared, but it was obvious that it didn't phase him. He had already told me earlier on in the relationship that if I ever got pregnant he wanted me to get an abortion (of course, there is no way in Hell I would have got an abortion) but bottom line is, he didn't care. So again, I felt alone, stuck drowning in the depression, anger, and hate I felt for myself. All I wanted to do was escape, I couldn't do anything right, and I was stuck in what seemed like a bottomless pit.
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