Within about a 4 month period my Senior Year of high school I ended up transferring schools three times because of all of the stuff going on between Jared and I...
The first was because of the move, the second was to an alternative school where you could do more take home work such as packets and online stuff, and the 3rd was back home. I chose to transfer to the alternative school, because I was having a hard time keeping up with my attendance at my new school, I missed a lot of my morning classes because I would be up all night fighting with Jared, that I'd be too exhausted/depressed to even attempt to attend. Plus when I did attend, I felt like my mind was elsewhere anyways, so I felt like it was completely pointless to be there. When I transferred to the alternative school, it was actually kind of funny how the staff reacted to me registering there. Mainly the kids that were there were ones which were struggling in school, or had gotten kicked out of their previous school. So when they looked at my records and seen that I had been a straight A student for the majority of high school and I had no bad records their response was: "Uh...so what brings you to this school? Any particular reason why you're not in a normal public high school?" As much as I would love to just be at a normal high school, I was not in a state of mind where I could deal with the social atmosphere, or deal with the setup at all because of the current drama that was going on between Jared and I. The 3rd transfer I did, was back to my original high school. The reason I transferred back there, was because: 1. I could tell that my Sister and Brother-In-Law were getting worn down having me living with them. They wanted to help me out, but where things weren't getting better, they couldn't stand to deal with everything that was going on, and it hurt them to see the constant failures that seemed to be going on in my life. 2. I was spending so much time going back and forth between there and home, and my attempt to end things with Jared had failed; so I figured I may as well just move back so that my my sister wouldn't have to deal with my failures. To be honest, I really felt like I didn't belong anywhere, but my parents wanted me to move back home, so it was hard not to go with that option since I felt like I was a burden where I lived currently.
The main thing that had changed between the time frame that I moved up to my sisters, and then moved back home, was the fact that my attitude towards the way people were treating me had shifted. Before I left I let everyone walk all over me, people would always talk down about me, and I took it out on myself. That cycle would always make my depression spiral. Since then, with all that had happened, I felt like something snapped within me; I just couldn't deal with people's crap all the time anymore. Instead what was there to replace it was Anger, lots and lots of anger.
This by all means wasn't a healthier reaction to what was going on, but I almost felt like it was all I knew how to do to keep me from getting to the point where I would end my life. I was sick of internalizing everything, and getting so depressed that I would have to fight for my life every night. I replaced it with Anger, I hated the world, I hated myself, I hated the people in my high school, I hated the situation I was in. It was a super unhealthy way to handle my emotions, but I honestly didn't know how else to keep my depression semi stable at the time. I had the attitude of..."Mess with me...and you're going to regret it." There were a couple of girls that I even threatened to get into fights with because of the stuff they were saying and what they were doing. Not the type of girl fight where you scream and pull each other's hair. I was full on ready to beat the crap out of them, I was so beyond pissed off, and I didn't care about the consequences. All I wanted was to prove that I was done dealing with everyone's bullshit. I didn't care what happened to me, I didn't care what happened to them, all I wanted to do was prove that I wasn't backing down. I could tell that this scared them, it went from them acting all big and bad and trying to say stuff to "hurt me" like: (Sorry for the language, just saying it how it was) "You're just a little anorexic bitch, what are you going to do about it?" or "You're going to fight me? Yeah right, you'd just run off bawling and go kill yourself. Just go kill yourself and do us all a favor!" I was receiving lots of comments about how I wasn't worth anyone's time, and I would be better off if I just committed suicide. Doing their best to convince me that not only would nobody care if I killed myself, but in fact that they would be happy. -Comments like those are definitely things that have haunted my mind for years, plaguing my thoughts and opinions about myself. But at the current time, I would just try to act like it didn't phase me, and turn it into anger instead.
It still hurt to hear their words, but I was done bowing down and giving them the reaction they wanted by turning to my depression (or at least visibly to them). Instead I didn't back down, I kept repeating how serious I was, and even threatened to come after them if they didn't meet me where I requested to fight. After they realized how serious I was they were scared, they did everything they could to avoid me, and they kept their mouth shut. Although I'm not proud of how I acted, it was nice to finally feel like people were leaving me alone. After years of just trying to mind my own business and still getting crapped on by everyone, I was glad that they were off my back for the time being. I was SO angry, and it was way out of control. I went from being super mellow and letting everyone walk all over me, to threatening people because I was done dealing with their crap. It felt like years and years worth of emotion was finally way too much to bear. This time instead of taking it out on myself, I was ready to take it out on the people that were causing it. The way I was acting scared me, it was so NOT who I was. Luckily a good friend of mine talked me out of doing anything too stupid :) Thank goodness for friends like her that could talk me out of stuff!
I felt like Jared was rubbing off on me in all of the bad ways. What he put me through, along with everything else from my past was finally blowing up in my face. I was now using anger to deal with it, I didn't know what else to do. To see the drastic changes I made, and how much my personality was being shifted by the trauma I was dealing with was terrifying. To get just how drastic I'm talking about; you would have to meet the version of who I was just a couple short years previous, and then at that current point in time. I was a completely different person, and I did not like it. I went from never saying a swear word in my life, to transforming into saying every possible cuss word and having that be apart of my constant language because of my anger. All this during the time frame of dating Jared. I had grown to hate him, he hated me; and yet somehow we were still stuck in each others lives, somehow we still thought we "loved" or needed each other.
Our relationship was nothing but complete chaos, and it seemed like there was no escaping it...
It had gotten to the point where quite literally it consisted of nothing but screaming matches, physical fighting, sexual abuse and "make-up" sex. I was so beyond broken, I would have sex with him just out of hope that he would at least hold me for a few short minutes afterwards so that I could feel like someone cared for me, trying to fill a huge void I had inside. That's if he would even show me a little affection afterwards, and not just go back off into his own little world, or pass out. He also loved to use the fact that I had a miscarriage against me in the fact that he knew how badly I was hurt from losing my baby. When there was a point where I would refuse to sleep with him, he would bring up the fact that he supposedly wanted to have a family with me, and tell me: "Don't you want to have our kid Kelsie?" "We can have our baby, we can start a family and be together." I was so emotionally messed up at the time that I fell for it, because I felt like a huge chunk had been ripped out of me emotionally, from losing my baby. Of course, he really did not want to have a kid, so when that did happen the following morning he would make me take a pill called "Plan B" to prevent pregnancy within the first 24 hours of unprotected sex. So he would work his way into my emotional chaos telling me we would have a baby so that he could use me as his sex toy for a night, and then force me to take something I was completely against, because he did not want to end up being a father. That happened on two or three occasions within a couple months time.
To say the least...I hated myself, and I hated my life. All I wanted was love, to be loved, to feel like someone cared. Instead I just kept getting trapped further and further into the emotional, sexual, physical abuse I was dealing with from Jared. I felt like I had completely lost who I was, I had no idea who I was anymore. It seemed like there was no end to it, no matter how I played things out in my mind, I could see no way out.
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