Because of my latest attempt to escape, my sister and brother-in-law offered to let me come live with them for a while (they lived about an hour and a half away from my parents). My parents agreed to this, because they were finally starting to see just what Jared was doing to me, and how this relationship was effecting me. Although I was still stuck in a lot of bad emotion and trauma, I was excited for this opportunity, I thought this might finally mean that I could have freedom. Freedom from my crazy boyfriend, and freedom to start over with my life, where no one knew my name.
You can imagine that when I told Jared the news, he was not at all happy about it. He tried threatening, begging, telling me he'd change, etc. But I had made up my mind, I was doing this for me, I NEEDED to do this for me. I was set to move out within a few weeks of totaling my car, as soon as I found myself another cheap car to get me by. (I had just barely finished paying off my previous car when I totaled it by the way, I definitely was not happy about that) I was nervous about starting at a new school, at a new job, and living in a new area; but I felt like this was the right decision. Most 17 year old's might have seen this as an opportunity to Party it up their senior year, being out of their parent's house. For me, I was honestly just hoping to change my life for the better, and graduate high school without constantly fearing for my safety and sanity.
Of course when I returned back to school a couple days after my wreck, the news of me "running away from home" had already spread throughout my high school, so there were already lots of awesome rumors there to greet me. But for once I really did not care what people had to say, I was going to be out of that place in a couple weeks, they could think what they wanted about me... they didn't know who I was inside. It was so frustrating to me that everyone in that school seemed to notice so much about how much of a freak I was, and apparently know absolutely everything that was going on in my life, EXCEPT for what my boyfriend was doing to me. When it came to the abuse I was dealing with from him, everyone was so willing to turn their cheek, and ignore it; apparently I was the crazy one, not him. A lot of people did not want to get involved with Jared, they knew he was bad news; and most people in that town did everything to avoid his parents, because they knew they were trouble too. Even the school staff themselves were perfectly fine with ignoring the obvious signs, so I was stuck going through hell, and the only support I got from that place or anyone there was them broadcasting rumors about my life all around the school. There were many times at school where we would be fighting, screaming at the top of our lungs, I would be screaming for him to get off of me, to let me go. I'd get shoved against lockers, dragged through the halls; kicking, screaming, crying, and did anyone care to notice? Of course not, apparently I was invisible to everyone there. Just in case you haven't been able to tell yet...I really hated that high school.
A few days before I was set to move out, Jared and I were in a serious fight again and he had threatened to kill himself again. I messaged his mom a few times, asking her to check on him. Jared had stopped messaging me back, so I was naturally worried. Though I had got to the point where I knew this was not my problem, I had already done my part to warn his mom, and I could not save him, it was in her hands now. I was physically and emotionally drained, I very much wanted to attempt suicide too, but I fought off the urge and was finally able to just fall asleep because I was so exhausted. I woke to a missed call and text early that morning from Jared's mom, he was in the emergency room because of an overdose. She was wanting to know if I knew if Jared had ever drank, because the doctors needed to know so that they could pump his stomach. I told her the truth from what I knew, Jared had promised that he stopped drinking when he started dating me, but I knew he had drank at least a few times during our relationship (pretty sure it was much more than that though). She had told me that she found him in the night throwing up (but unconscious) they took him to the emergency room, where he was still unconscious.
I went straight to the hospital to see him as soon as he had woke up (he had been in a coma for about 12 hours) and was right there by his side, trying to show him that I loved him. As desperately as I wanted to get away from that relationship, I could not just shut off the fact that I loved him, and him coming close to losing his life was of course terrifying to me. Though the greeting I got from him was him being all pissed off at me for telling his mom that he drank. It's not like I was trying to taddle on him, it was a life or death situation, and yet I still got yelled at from him about it. Little did anyone know (or care), that I also was very close to attempting suicide the night before; but for now all that mattered was that he was okay. The frustrating part was the fact that he lied through his teeth to get out of the hospital, making them believe that everything was okay, and making me out to seem like I was the bad guy. The stupid part is it worked, I started to view myself as the bad guy, I should have been a better girlfriend, been there for him more, etc. It was hard for me not to see myself as the reason he almost died that day.
Out of the fact that I was blaming myself, plus was terrified that he had almost died, it was hard for me not to go back to showing him love. I ended up going back home with him, because he said he wanted to spend some time with me, even though previously I thought I was done with him, I got guilted back into staying. Of course we couldn't even last a few hours without getting in another fight, and having him threaten suicide again. I was so tired of this life, so tired of being manipulated into staying with this guy. I felt like I had a gigantic thorn collar around my neck, I was a slave to being stuck in this miserable life. I wished so badly that I didn't love him so much, that I could just not care. If I could have cut my heart out, I most definitely would have, because I didn't want to feel for him...I didn't want to feel anything.
I still moved in with my sister, and started attending my new high school and new job right away. I felt a little freedom, and I was trying to have a positive outlook. I knew absolutely no one in my high school, and had about zero desire to "make friends" because I had way too many other things to worry about at the time, but it was refreshing to walk down the halls and not hear about the latest rumors of myself. I felt invisible in that big school, and at the time, I actually enjoyed that feeling. The only problem was, I still could not cut the ties with Jared, he wouldn't let me. Since we spent more time apart, his craziness (or at least what I saw of it) died down a little, and he made me believe that he was doing some changing. He started attending a little counseling, and even told me he was going to church. Since I still loved him, it was so hard for me not to fall back into that trap, especially because I still felt bad about him attempting suicide. So we kept in contact, and I would still end up seeing him at least once a week. Even amid everything that had already happened, I still could not let go of my feelings, so I fell for him over again. STUPID....STUPID....STUPID! I really wish I could have just shut the feelings off, I cared too much, and at the time I absolutely hated that about myself, because it caused me to get stuck in situations like this.
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