14. Another Encounter with the Police

There were occasions where I would try to get away from Jared (driving off) where he would end up chasing me down in his car and pulling out in front of me so that I couldn't escape. There was one such time when I was racing through the canyon in my car trying to get away from him, he sped in front of me, and then stopped his car in front of me (across both lanes) so that I could not pass without hitting him or his car. Keep in mind this was at night, it was dark, and it was a winding canyon road. So at any moment a car could have came flying around the bend and would have taken us both out because of what Jared was doing. This would end in me eventually giving in and following him back home, so that I didn't have to risk our lives out on the highway.

I had finally had enough, I was leaving him, and I was sticking to it regardless of what the consequences might be. I was losing myself, I was literally slipping away being stuck in this life acting as his puppet. I decided it wasn't worth it anymore, I couldn't save him, and it wasn't worth losing my life over. I was ready to stand up for myself, I told myself I was strong enough to walk away.  (By the way, the fact that I changed my phone number only lasted for about a day or two, then someone who I thought was my friend ended up giving Jared my new number)

He called me on my cellphone as I was on my way home from school with my little sister. I decided this was it, I told him I was finished with him, to leave me alone, and there was no way I was going back to him (of course the conversation was a lot more drawn out, and involved a lot of yelling and cussing back and forth) But the bottom line was, I was done. Come what may, I wasn't looking back. It felt so good when those words flooded out of my mouth, and I knew I meant them.

For the first time in about a year and a half I felt a tiny bit of freedom. I knew Jared well enough to know that things wouldn't be over that easily, he was bound to retaliate. But knowing that I wasn't going back regardless of what he did, gave me a sense of freedom and strength, I was done allowing him to have a death-grip on my life. After that phone call he continued trying to contact me relentlessly the rest of the night, but I ignored it. Until I made the mistake of mentioning that I had to pick up a check from my work, I wish those words wouldn't have made their way out of my mouth.

On my way home from work I saw his car sitting at a bend in the road, my heart started pounding in fear, what was he doing? Why was he there? He called, and I picked up my phone. He threatened; "Pull over or I'll wreck my car." There was no way I was going to willingly be around that lunatic anymore. Out of an attempt to hurry and make it home I sped up, trying to get away from him. He kept screaming in the phone, "PULL OVER OR I'LL WRECK MY CAR IN FRONT OF YOU!" I felt like my only way out was just to try and hurry home, it was only a few minutes away. I sped up to 75-80 mph when he came flying around my car, pulling out in front of me. He started swerving back and forth across the lanes until he abruptly turned left and went plowing into a fence. I couldn't believe what he just did, driving a little further, I pulled over and got out of my car. I wanted so badly to just keep driving, I did not want to go back for him, I was terrified of what I might find. I walked back to his car cautiously, I could tell he was okay, and I did not want to go near him out of fear for what he might do.

As I got to the car, I noticed an off-duty policeman driving further down the road about to pass us, I waved him down. Jared kept screaming at me from the car, "Don't you dare talk to him, I will kill myself." I had no doubt in my mind that it was a miracle there happened to be a cop driving by at that exact time...(it was night, and there were no cars on that road, except the cop that happened to come by) Even though the cop really wasn't much help, I knew I was being watched out for. I do not even want to guess what would have happened next if he didn't show up, because I had a very eerie feeling about it. I told the cop that Jared had purposely wrecked in front of me,  that he was suicidal and he needed help. During that time frame Jared had tried to wreck his car a couple more times by backing it up and slamming it into the fence again. You could tell that the cop really didn't care much about what was going on, but he tried calling someone on the scene anyways. After I told him what I knew, I ran to my car and went straight home. I did not want to be there any longer, I wanted to be far away from there.

Later I would find out that Jared took off running on foot through the fields trying to hide from the cops, he knew he was in trouble and didn't want to be around them. They didn't find him until hours later, but even at that point they did nothing. And Jared told his parent's that I made him wreck his car, that I ran him off the road. So now they hated me that much more, they were pissed because their car was totaled, and I had apparently just run their son off the road. When reality was he purposely wrecked, and almost killed both of us in the process.

Nothing positive ever came from that incident, his parents and the cops in that town still did nothing; so obviously I still didn't feel safe. It felt like I would never be safe.

13. Are all Guys Like this??

I have to mention, through the chaos of everything that was going on, I did have a couple people (church leader, friend, some family members) that never did give up on me. Of course, it was hard for me to see that as being significant since it seemed like everyone else was just laughing at my failures, telling me I was going to hell, or agreeing that I should kill myself. But to the few that never gave up on me, I am eternally grateful to them; I wouldn't have been able to get myself out of that mess and to where I am today without them...Even though it seemed like there was nothing left worth saving, they believed in me, and I couldn't have done it without them.

The Prom for my senior year was quickly approaching (at my school, prom is two nights in a row). Jared and I had originally agreed that one night we would go together, and the other we would go with someone else. Partially because we weren't officially together at that point in time (we were within one of our breakups), and also because his parents were somewhat forcing him to go with someone else the second night.

During school that Friday there was an assembly going on, Jared went to it, and I went home during that time frame. I was ticked off because we were fighting and I didn't want to be around him. Eventually when I returned for my next class, I found out from other student's that Jared had apparently been dragged out of the school by some cops. I found out later that he had gotten pissed off at one of the teachers (because they told him to put his phone away during the assembly) so he punched the teacher, and then practically ran a girl over as he stormed out of the assembly hall. I also heard that he ended up getting sent to a mental hospital, and to be honest I was quite happy and relieved to hear that at first. I felt like maybe I would finally be safe, at least for a little while, and maybe he would get help. Well that was short-lived, he ended up getting released that same night. Somehow his parent's were able to talk them into letting him go, blaming everything on me instead. I was the problem, I was the reason he was acting this way, I was the one to blame for ALL of his problems.

Anyways, because of all of that, we ended up missing the first night of prom (the one where we were supposed to go together). So for the second night, I planned to go with my friend who I had already asked. Well Jared had other plans, he threatened that if I stepped foot into the school with someone else he would kill them. So instead we planned to go together that Saturday night (which I agreed with, because I didn't want to make him angry). Well a couple hours before the prom, he decided to inform me that he was going to go with someone else instead. Here he threatened that if I brought someone else, he would literally beat them to death; then says I "have to go with him" and then last minute he bails on me and decides to go with someone else. He blamed it on the fact that his parents were making him go with this other girl...and blah, blah, blah. Either way, I was just emotionally drained from everything going on. The threats, his anger problems, and my emotions; I was just drained from it all.

So after I got off work that night, I decided I needed to get out, I couldn't just sit at my house and sulk in my depression. I knew my depression well enough by that point, that I knew I would turn suicidal if I allowed myself to sulk inside with my current state of mind. I tried contacting anyone I could think of, but everyone was busy, no one was available. Finally I went to more of a last resort shot, and texted my friend from Northern Utah (Jason, the one I had previously ran away to). I just needed someone to spend time with, so that I wasn't left alone in my negative thoughts/emotions. Well he agreed to have me come visit (he had always been very nice to me) so he was excited for me to come visit, and I was excited to have someone to hang out with and to get away from Jared for a night. Jason was a good friend of mine, we had been chatting back and forth for about 4 years by that point. He always seemed to be there for me when no one else would, and always encouraged me to try and get out of the crappy relationships I was in. All in all, I thought he was a great friend, and that he would never hurt me.

When I got up to his place, he took me out to dinner, and we went to see a movie. I don't even remember the last time someone had taken me out for a "real" date, let alone offered to pay for me. Since a date night to Jared had pretty much just turned into me getting raped for his own pleasure. Anyways, I was having a blast with Jason; it was fun to feel like someone was actually enjoying my company, and not forcing me to do something I was uncomfortable with. I felt like I was getting a glimpse of what a real relationship was supposed to consist of, where the guy actually treats you with a little respect.

Well I had spoken too soon...and found out yet again that it was only a cover up, treating me nicely so that he could use me later. By the end of the night we ended up kissing, but even that made me feel incredibly guilty, uncomfortable, and scared. One because I didn't trust guys, and two I was scared for how Jared would react. Even though there was the fact that he was out with another girl anyways, and he only used me for sex. It still scared me, I knew he wouldn't react well.

Things managed to turn bad very quickly. Like I mentioned, I already felt guilty with even kissing, but somehow by the end of the night he managed to use my broken state to get to the point of sex. I was beyond numb by that point, I just laid there and cried silently to myself. What was wrong with me, I couldn't be around a guy without getting used like this? I didn't want sex, in fact I hated sex. I had experienced nothing but horrible things from it; it only left me feeling disgusting, used, and like an object. And yet here I was AGAIN...practically getting raped by someone I thought was a friend; lying there crying, while he didn't care. He noticed my tears, but he dismissed it quickly, and when he was finished with me he went straight to sleep. I left as soon as I could the next morning, all I wanted to do was get out of there, but at the same time I had no desire to return home, I know what awaited me there. (By the way, I didn't end up hearing from that guy again until a year and a half later, when I eventually found out the truth about who he was. Apparently he was not only a drug addict, but sold drugs too. And he spent that next year and a half in prison for it) I was shocked when I finally found that out, I don't think I've ever met someone that was so good at hiding who he really was. He had two completely different sides to his personality, and the nice side was SO caring and so easy to get along with.

I know I've mentioned this a lot already, but I hated myself, I REALLY hated myself. I cannot tell you how much I just wanted to send a bullet through my brain, or run my car out in front of a semi. I felt completely hollow inside, my life revolved around getting used by any guy that got the chance, and I didn't know how to stop it, I wasn't strong enough. I could see no positive future, I would have no fairy-tale wedding, and no cute little kids running around. All I could see of my future was getting used and raped or suicide, it seemed like getting used for sex was the only reason I existed. It didn't matter that I had feelings and I didn't want it; apparently that was just how my life was going to be.  If there was marriage in my future, I figured it would eventually be with Jared, out of him either forcing me, or getting me pregnant. And if that were the case, I knew that would only mean being stuck in abuse for the rest of my life; I would be the lady that was stuck with the abusive husband, and I would be terrified to have kids because I wouldn't want to bring them into a broken home.

When I got home I just laid in bed all day, I felt dead inside, I felt sick inside and out. I had told Jared the truth about what happened, because I can't stand being dishonest. Don't ask me why I felt obligated to share the truth with him, since his entire relationship with me had been a lie. Of course he freaked out, and he shared the news with all of his friends. Not only did I have him freaking out, and calling me every name in the book; but I had all of his rude friends messaging me non-stop telling me how much of a horrible person I was. Of course, I already felt like I horrible person, and was trying my hardest to hold onto any hope I had so that I wouldn't end my life. But it didn't help that now I was hearing it from all his guy friends, reminding me of it with some of the cruelest messages I've ever received. Jared even managed to force me into having sex with him again (out of a way to "pay for my sin" for sleeping with the other guy) threatening that if I didn't, he would kill himself, or hurt my family.

The next morning the bishop came over to my house to talk to me, my family knew something was wrong by the way I was acting, and they were desperate to see if he could help.
He stood there with me in the front-room of our house, telling me that no matter what had happened that God still loved me, and that he still loved me. Telling me that there is nothing I could do that would change the way that Christ felt about me. I wanted so badly to believe those words, but how could God love someone like me? Why would God care about someone as disgusting and broken as myself? I didn't have the strength to even mutter a word the whole time, I just stood there and bawled my eyes out. I was weak, physically and emotionally; to the point where I ended up fainting from exhaustion. It was a little weird, one moment I was standing there crying and feeling a little dizzy, the next I was lying on the couch with my bishop standing above me. Apparently I had fainted, he caught me and set me on the couch. (he still jokes about that to this day).

I didn't want to be involved with Jared anymore, or any guy for that matter (but then again, that's how I had been feeling for quite a while) Things had gotten to the point where my parent's were trying to protect me a little more, and of course Jared's parents still hated me because of all of the things he was telling them. My parent's agreed to let me change my phone number, I didn't want to deal with him anymore. That didn't stop him from trying to contact me, he would call my house phone and call my work endlessly trying to get me to pick up the phone. I would literally come home from work to over 100 missed calls from Jared, he was driving my family nuts. He would have his friends call my house from different numbers trying to get me to pick up. A few times my family would answer and tell him off, that I had no desire to talk to him. At one point I finally picked up when his friend called. He told me how sorry Jared was for treating me, and that he wanted to marry me, that's why he gave me the promise ring. I was fed up and didn't want to deal with him anymore, I told him he could have the ring back, I didn't want it; I knew he didn't care.

(Again sorry for the language, just stating it how it was) It was also during this time frame that I was talking to one of my old guy friends, and he flat out told me about a conversation he had with Jared from a couple months previous. He asked Jared if him and I were still "together" and Jared's response was: "(laughing)..No, she's not my girlfriend. I just like to F*** her because she just lays there like a dead fish and puts up with it."

OUCH! ....No wonder I would supposedly "lay there like a dead fish", did it ever cross your mind that I didn't want sex? That I tried multiple times to get you off me, and you would threaten? Did it ever cross your mind that what you were doing to me was rape? Of course not....to him it was all a game. A game to force me into staying with him, I was his sex toy, and he thought it was hilarious that I was trapped with him. I cared enough for his life to stay with him, but to him it was a game, I was trapped in his grasp, and he loved it.

12. Anger, Depression & Chaos.

Within about a 4 month period my Senior Year of high school I ended up transferring schools three times because of all of the stuff going on between Jared and I...

The first was because of the move, the second was to an alternative school where you could do more take home work such as packets and online stuff, and the 3rd was back home. I chose to transfer to the alternative school, because I was having a hard time keeping up with my attendance at my new school, I missed a lot of my morning classes because I would be up all night fighting with Jared, that I'd be too exhausted/depressed to even attempt to attend. Plus when I did attend, I felt like my mind was elsewhere anyways, so I felt like it was completely pointless to be there. When I transferred to the alternative school, it was actually kind of funny how the staff reacted to me registering there. Mainly the kids that were there were ones which were struggling in school, or had gotten kicked out of their previous school. So when they looked at my records and seen that I had been a straight A student for the majority of high school and I had no bad records their response was: "Uh...so what brings you to this school? Any particular reason why you're not in a normal public high school?" As much as I would love to just be at a normal high school, I was not in a state of mind where I could deal with the social atmosphere, or deal with the setup at all because of the current drama that was going on between Jared and I. The 3rd transfer I did, was back to my original high school. The reason I transferred back there, was because: 1. I could tell that my Sister and Brother-In-Law were getting worn down having me living with them. They wanted to help me out, but where things weren't getting better, they couldn't stand to deal with everything that was going on, and it hurt them to see the constant failures that seemed to be going on in my life. 2. I was spending so much time going back and forth between there and home, and my attempt to end things with Jared had failed; so I figured I may as well just move back so that my my sister wouldn't have to deal with my failures. To be honest, I really felt like I didn't belong anywhere, but my parents wanted me to move back home, so it was hard not to go with that option since I felt like I was a burden where I lived currently.

The main thing that had changed between the time frame that I moved up to my sisters, and then moved back home, was the fact that my attitude towards the way people were treating  me had shifted. Before I left I let everyone walk all over me, people would always talk down about me, and I took it out on myself. That cycle would always make my depression spiral. Since then, with all that had happened, I felt like something snapped within me; I just couldn't deal with people's crap all the time anymore. Instead what was there to replace it was Anger, lots and lots of anger.

This by all means wasn't a healthier reaction to what was going on, but I almost felt like it was all I knew how to do to keep me from getting to the point where I would end my life. I was sick of internalizing everything, and getting so depressed that I would have to fight for my life every night. I replaced it with Anger, I hated the world, I hated myself, I hated the people in my high school, I hated the situation I was in. It was a super unhealthy way to handle my emotions, but I honestly didn't know how else to keep my depression semi stable at the time. I had the attitude of..."Mess with me...and you're going to regret it." There were a couple of girls that I even threatened to get into fights with because of the stuff they were saying and what they were doing. Not the type of girl fight where you scream and pull each other's hair. I was full on ready to beat the crap out of them, I was so beyond pissed off, and I didn't care about the consequences. All I wanted was to prove that I was done dealing with everyone's bullshit. I didn't care what happened to me, I didn't care what happened to them, all I wanted to do was prove that I wasn't backing down. I could tell that this scared them, it went from them acting all big and bad and trying to say stuff to "hurt me" like: (Sorry for the language, just saying it how it was) "You're just a little anorexic bitch, what are you going to do about it?" or "You're going to fight me? Yeah right, you'd just run off bawling and go kill yourself. Just go kill yourself and do us all a favor!" I was receiving lots of comments about how I wasn't worth anyone's time, and I would be better off if I just committed suicide. Doing their best to convince me that not only would nobody care if I killed myself, but in fact that they would be happy. -Comments like those are definitely things that have haunted my mind for years, plaguing my thoughts and opinions about myself. But at the current time, I would just try to act like it didn't phase me, and turn it into anger instead.

It still hurt to hear their words, but I was done bowing down and giving them the reaction they wanted by turning to my depression (or at least visibly to them). Instead I didn't back down, I kept repeating how serious I was, and even threatened to come after them if they didn't meet me where I requested to fight. After they realized how serious I was they were scared, they did everything they could to avoid me, and they kept their mouth shut. Although I'm not proud of how I acted, it was nice to finally feel like people were leaving me alone. After years of just trying to mind my own business and still getting crapped on by everyone, I was glad that they were off my back for the time being. I was SO angry, and it was way out of control. I went from being super mellow and letting everyone walk all over me, to threatening people because I was done dealing with their crap. It felt like years and years worth of emotion was finally way too much to bear. This time instead of taking it out on myself, I was ready to take it out on the people that were causing it. The way I was acting scared me, it was so NOT who I was. Luckily a good friend of mine talked me out of doing anything too stupid :) Thank goodness for friends like her that could talk me out of stuff!

I felt like Jared was rubbing off on me in all of the bad ways. What he put me through, along with everything else from my past was finally blowing up in my face. I was now using anger to deal with it, I didn't know what else to do. To see the drastic changes I made, and how much my personality was being shifted by the trauma I was dealing with was terrifying. To get just how drastic I'm talking about; you would have to meet the version of who I was just a couple short years previous, and then at that current point in time. I was a completely different person, and I did not like it. I went from never saying a swear word in my life, to transforming into saying every possible cuss word and having that be apart of my constant language because of my anger. All this during the time frame of dating Jared. I had grown to hate him, he hated me; and yet somehow we were still stuck in each others lives, somehow we still thought we "loved" or needed each other.

Our relationship was nothing but complete chaos, and it seemed like there was no escaping it... 

It had gotten to the point where quite literally it consisted of nothing but screaming matches, physical fighting, sexual abuse and "make-up" sex. I was so beyond broken, I would have sex with him just out of hope that he would at least hold me for a few short minutes afterwards so that I could feel like someone cared for me, trying to fill a huge void I had inside. That's if he would even show me a little affection afterwards, and not just go back off into his own little world, or pass out. He also loved to use the fact that I had a miscarriage against me in the fact that he knew how badly I was hurt from losing my baby. When there was a point where I would refuse to sleep with him, he would bring up the fact that he supposedly wanted to have a family with me, and tell me: "Don't you want to have our kid Kelsie?" "We can have our baby, we can start a family and be together." I was so emotionally messed up at the time that I fell for it, because I felt like a huge chunk had been ripped out of me emotionally, from losing my baby. Of course, he really did not want to have a kid, so when that did happen the following morning he would make me take a pill called "Plan B" to prevent pregnancy within the first 24 hours of unprotected sex. So he would work his way into my emotional chaos telling me we would have a baby so that he could use me as his sex toy for a night, and then force me to take something I was completely against, because he did not want to end up being a father. That happened on two or three occasions within a couple months time.

To say the least...I hated myself, and I hated my life. All I wanted was love, to be loved, to feel like someone cared. Instead I just kept getting trapped further and further into the emotional, sexual, physical abuse I was dealing with from Jared. I felt like I had completely lost who I was, I had no idea who I was anymore. It seemed like there was no end to it, no matter how I played things out in my mind, I could see no way out.

11. Fight or Flight

I was hit hard by my miscarriage; I don't even know how to explain how sad I felt inside, I just wanted my baby, I felt like I had lost my chance to be a Mom. Even though I was only 17 at the time, I was dying to be a mother, and the fact that I could have been and lost it was devastating to me. I can see now that it happened that way for the best, but it still hurt so much at the time, and was a burden I've carried for years wishing things would have been different. Jared could see how much this incident affected me, and he found a way to use it in his favor throughout the rest of our relationship. Along with everything else that I was already feeling, I now felt like a part of me was missing, a part that I very much wanted back.

Over the next couple of months, a lot more drama continued to happen, things were a mess like always. I felt like my emotions were even that much more uncontrollable now that I was dealing with the loss of my baby. 

It was still a never ending cycle of Jared threatening suicide, and me running to the rescue every time, because I couldn't bear losing him to suicide. On one instance when his parents were away, and he was depressed, he begged me to come see him, saying he needed me, he NEEDED MY HELP. I couldn't just say no, as badly as I did not want to be involved I could not tell him no. The night before he had been threatening all night, sent me a picture of a gun, saying he would shoot himself. My sister didn't want me to go to him, because one she was scared for my safety, and two there was a big snow storm. I waited it out until the next morning, I couldn't bear to ignore it anymore, so I went down to see him, to try and help him. 

I should have just stayed home, but I didn't have the heart, I cared too much. When I got down there things were okay at first, we talked a little. But things quickly got out of control when he couldn't get his way. He started to threaten to kill himself in front of me, I panicked, I LOVED this guy, I CARED about him. And now here he was threatening to kill himself right in front of me, because he wanted me to see it. It would effect me so much just to see some random person kill themselves, but the person I cared about most was now threatening to do that in front of me. I felt like my brain was on the verge of exploding, and my body wanted to do nothing but run. I tried to run out of the house but he would not let me escape, at one point I was able to get out into his backyard, but he managed to drag me back in. He was determined that I WAS going to watch him die. He kept saying: "You know I can't live without you, and you want to leave me, so you WANT ME TO DIE!" "If you want me to die so badly, you will have to watch me die, I want you to watch me die!" 

I was beyond FREAKING OUT....I felt like every possible Fight Or Flight response in my body was going off. I don't think I've ever felt so terrified in my life as I did that day. After he dragged me back in the house, he grabbed a knife from the kitchen and kept trying to stab himself. But since I just wanted to run, he instead decided that if he couldn't get me to watch him kill himself, then he wanted to make me kill him instead. So instead he forced the knife into my hands, clasped his around mine and tried to get me to stab him. I used every ounce of strength I had to get the knife out of my hands, I did not want to see him die, let alone be responsible for his death. (You have to realize this guy has about 100 lbs on me, but I was so terrified, that somehow I managed to find the strength). I managed to knock it out of our hands a couple times, and would try to escape, but he would always catch me and force it back into my hands. At one point I threw it across the room, that pissed him off worse; so he decided to throw me across the room as well, hitting a table.  

The two thoughts that kept racing across my brain were: 1. I needed to get away, somehow I needed to get away. 2. I can't believe this is my life, someone is going to end up dead today; God please let me get out of here! I was stuck in a house with a crazy guy, and begging to God to somehow help me find a way out of there.

We continued to physically fight with and without the knife, I would try to get away, and end up getting tackled by him. I kept trying to get to my phone, desperately trying to dial 911; but as hard as I tried I could never complete it before he would jump on top of me and rip it out of my hands. I would get thrown on the floor, where we'd lay there fighting some more. I was desperate, using all of my strength to try and get him away from me, but all I could manage to do was barely keep him from stabbing himself or me getting stabbed. Finally it got to the point where he realized I wasn't going to back down, and I wasn't going to allow him to make me stab him. So he changed up his plan again...

He left me alone for a second in his bedroom, I wasn't sure where he went, all I was thinking was trying to figure out how I could hurry and break out. Within a matter of seconds, he was back, this time with a cord in hand. He pushed me against the bed, took my arms and bound my wrists together behind my back. This time saying..."If you will not kill me, then YOU WILL WATCH ME DIE! YOU DESERVE TO WATCH ME DIE!" He wanted me to not only watch him die, but he wanted me to be scarred with that image for the rest of my life. He wanted me to helplessly lay there bound, while I watched the person I was closest to kill himself in front of my eyes.

By that point I'm pretty sure I went straight into Fight or Flight mode (if I wasn't already in it before). My hands were still bound, but I flipped my body up onto his bed and managed to kick out his window. This would be my last shot at escaping, it was my only option, and I had to make it count. Before I could slip out of his window to try and make a run for it, he caught my arm and dragged me back. I was hysterical- screaming, crying, wailing at the top of my lungs; begging him desperately to just let me go. I kept repeating: I do not want you to die, I cannot stand to see you die...PLEASE let me go, I can't do this. I literally felt like my brain was nothing but mush by that point in time, I had used every ounce of physical strength and emotion that I had inside me, I just felt like collapsing.

Then to my surprise...Jared grabbed me, pulled me in and tried to hug me. Saying: "Kelsie I'm sorry, I love you. Please just stay with me, I didn't mean to hurt you." He started to untie me, laid me on the bed, and said; "Please just let me hold you, I'm sorry."....

Are you kidding me? You just tortured me in every way possible, and now you want me to believe that not only are you sorry, but that you "Love" me?  That was SO typical of him....One moment he's putting me through complete hell....and the next he's trying to convince me that he loves me more than anything. That roller coaster pretty much sums up our entire relationship.

I was exhausted, I literally had no energy to do anything but stare off and cry, I just laid there crying as he tried to cuddle me. I didn't even have the strength to push him away from me, I felt like I was physically and emotionally in shock. I had absolutely no idea what to do. Even if my energy did come back and I tried to get away, I knew he would probably just return right back to how he was acting before. So instead I just laid there, completely numb, as tears streamed down my face.

10. Promise Ring & Police

Since we had some space between us, things started to improve a little, and I was naive enough to think he was finally changing. As much as he had put me through, there was still part of me that was hoping he would get his act together so that we could still have a future together. His Mom had started to monitor him a little better, he was in counseling, and even started seeing a bishop a few times trying to come back to the church.

I was glad for the space, but it was hard for me to be away from home; my one real friend was down there, as well as my family. I would never open up and talk to any of my family about what was going on, I just did not know how, so they only heard bits and pieces through the grapevine. I would take trips back down there quite often, and things began to look up between Jared and I. Since I still loved him more than anything, I was happy to see the changes, even though part of me was still a little weary wondering if I should actually trust him.

Got to love the mindset of a teenager....so naive....and so FRUSTRATING. If only I knew back then what I know now. But I guess that's not how it works!

During that time frame his parent's also had a house that was about 20 minutes away from where I was currently staying, which they were getting fixed up and ready to sell. They were not living in it, but they would come up from time to time to do some work in it. I had gone over there a few times to help them out. One weekend Jared came up to stay at the house, and invited me over (even though his parents thought he was with his guy friends). It was during those couple days that Jared had given me a promise ring as an early Christmas present, we were too young to get married at the time, but it was a promise that some day we would get married. Of course, it was hard for me not to fall back into love with him after that. Though just like any other time, the happy moments did not last long, before I knew it Jared was going on again about how depressed and suicidal he was. Depressed from stuff going on at home, because I wasn't around, for the way he was, etc. Somehow because of that he was able to use my guilt against me to get me to sleep with him again, and that just made things that much worse.

I was always hearing rumors from people saying that he was cheating on me, but I had a hard time deciding whether or not I should believe Jared, or the other people. Since to be honest, I really didn't trust much of any of them anyways. Though I was starting to believe more and more that he was cheating on me, and finding the evidence to prove it. Of course, I was not happy about that, not only did I feel like I was stuck loving this guy, but he also could not even be faithful to me after trapping me there.

Up to this point, I had not brought Jared over to my sisters house (except for once much earlier on in our relationship) and since I had moved up there, the plan was to keep the location a secret as a safety precaution. It was in a busy area, he had only been there once, and he was not familiar with the area, so I was hoping he did not remember where it was. 

Another big fight came about, which ended in Jared threatening to commit suicide again. He was demanding to see me in person and insisted that I tell him where I was staying so that he could come see me. I refused, because I didn't want him to know where I lived, especially with the current rage he was in. I continued to tell him not to come, and because of the way he was acting/threatening, I let him know that if he did show up at the house we would have no choice but to call the police. It was a very dark/stormy night, so I figured that would help the fact that it would be harder to locate where I was staying. We even decided to hide my car as a precaution, just in case he did find the area, that he would not recognize the house without my car there.

Somehow he still managed to find the house...and I was terrified when I saw him show up...

My brother-in-law insisted that he would answer the door, because he did not trust Jared one bit, and didn't want anything to happen to me. With the way he was acting, we were worried that he may attempt to kidnap me, hurt me, or try to hurt himself in front of me. He answered the door and told Jared that I did not want to see him, and he needed to leave immediately or we would call the cops. He did not have permission to be there. After some arguing he finally left, but he texted me shortly after saying that he had a gun with him, and was going to kill himself because of me. Of course I was freaking out by that point, and looking outside the house I could see him sitting in his car at the end of the street at a stopsign. He was sitting there for well over 10 minutes. I was worried that he was going to take his life, but I did not trust going out there to try and stop him, because I had a very eerie feeling of what he may do to me.

He stopped responding to me, and still sat parked at the same stop sign, so eventually my sister ended up calling the cops to let them know that there was a suicide risk. They sent up a couple police officers, but by that time Jared had taken off. We did not know where he went, but we knew he was still in the area, and still a threat to himself. Eventually the cops found him, and took him into custody. I had to write up a police statement about what was going on in the relationship, and what he was threatening, etc. He stayed in custody overnight, and his dad came to pick him up the next morning.

I felt bad having to call the police on him, but I don't think he would have made it through the night if they weren't called, he was a mess. When Jared's dad picked him up from the jail, he was extremely pissed off, but then again that's how he normally was anyways. The guy was a complete jerk, I honestly don't think he would have cared if Jared did commit suicide, his only concern at the time was the fact that he had to drive up there to pick him up. I was really hoping that since the cops were aware of what was going on now, that Jared would get some real help. Both for my own safety, and for his own. But of course, that didn't happen, his dad would not allow for it, and Jared refused to admit that he needed help. During that time frame his dad also called up my mom and screamed at her, cussing her out saying that I was the problem, and that I was the reason why Jared was acting this way. Not because he actually cared about his son, but because he was pissed that he kept having to babysit him. He didn't understand that he had depression problems, nor did he care, he even made fun of him saying that he "should kill himself". I try not to say that I hate people, but if there's anyone I do hate, it was definitely his dad, he was a complete Jack Ass to say the least. Here I was trying so hard to do everything I could to help his son, even to the point where my own safety was at risk, but his own dad was perfectly fine with the fact that his son was suicidal. It was also frustrating because Jared would lie to his parent's to protect himself, and blame everything on me. But then to me, he would tell me something completely different. So of course, I was seen as the bad guy, and his parents hated me for it.

Because of the last couple days events, I was beyond depressed and drained. I felt so bad that my mom was being dragged into this. If you met my mom, you would see that she's one of the most religious/Christ-Like people you'll ever meet, and she has a big heart. So when I heard that she was being cussed out by anyone, and even worse by the guy I hated most, I was beyond pissed off. The mixture of being so pissed off at Jared for telling his dad a bunch of crap (which wasn't true at all) that led him to cuss out my mom, and the fact that I felt like I was nothing but trouble to my family made me hit rock bottom.

I got so low, and did not care at all for my life at the moment that all I wanted to do was drink...Drink away my sorrows, and possibly drink myself to death. After all, I felt like nothing could be worse than what I was already trapped in. I was only 17, so I was underage and could not buy alcohol. Since I didn't care about my life at the time, I decided I would just go steal some alcohol. To understand just how low I was; I had never once drank alcohol before, and I had never stolen anything in my life- And I was about to do both. The thought that I was breaking multiple laws did not even fathom me at the moment, I didn't care if I got in trouble, if I got put in jail, my life was already hell. I even remember the thought crossing my mind: "Maybe it would be better if I did end up in jail, at least I would be protected from Jared." That's just how low I had stooped, and how terrified I was of my own life.

I got away with the shoplifting, returned home, and drank a little. Not only was it disgusting, but I realized how stupid I was being, I did not want to start drinking. Eventually I just ended up falling asleep. The next couple days were a blur, I'm pretty sure I was just so consumed in my thoughts and depression that I was pretty numb to the world. After that it was Christmas Eve...so I headed down to spend a few days at my parents, but I had no intention to see Jared while I was down there.

I was already bobbing around somewhere at rock bottom, when I realized I was having a miscarriage. A miscarriage....? I did not even know I was pregnant! Even though I did not realize I was pregnant, it cut me to the core that I had a baby in there, and now it was gone. That baby was dead...and not only did the Dad not give a crap, but I felt like I had murdered it. I felt like my stupid decision to have a drink a couple nights before resulted in my baby's death. I didn't tell anyone what was going on, except Jared, hoping that somewhere in there he would care. He tried to pretend like he cared, but it was obvious that it didn't phase him. He had already told me earlier on in the relationship that if I ever got pregnant he wanted me to get an abortion (of course, there is no way in Hell I would have got an abortion) but bottom line is, he didn't care. So again, I felt alone, stuck drowning in the depression, anger, and hate I felt for myself. All I wanted to do was escape, I couldn't do anything right, and I was stuck in what seemed like a bottomless pit.

9. Moving Out & Suicide Attempts

I was still feeling like I was in a state of emotional/mental shock, my life was like a giant blur, one huge mess of a blur...

Because of my latest attempt to escape, my sister and brother-in-law offered to let me come live with them for a while (they lived about an hour and a half away from my parents). My parents agreed to this, because they were finally starting to see just what Jared was doing to me, and how this relationship was effecting me. Although I was still stuck in a lot of bad emotion and trauma, I was excited for this opportunity, I thought this might finally mean that I could have freedom. Freedom from my crazy boyfriend, and freedom to start over with my life, where no one knew my name. 

You can imagine that when I told Jared the news, he was not at all happy about it. He tried threatening, begging, telling me he'd change, etc. But I had made up my mind, I was doing this for me, I NEEDED to do this for me. I was set to move out within a few weeks of totaling my car, as soon as I found myself another cheap car to get me by. (I had just barely finished paying off my previous car when I totaled it by the way, I definitely was not happy about that) I was nervous about starting at a new school, at a new job, and living in a new area; but I felt like this was the right decision. Most 17 year old's might have seen this as an opportunity to Party it up their senior year, being out of their parent's house. For me, I was honestly just hoping to change my life for the better, and graduate high school without constantly fearing for my safety and sanity. 

Of course when I returned back to school a couple days after my wreck, the news of me "running away from home" had already spread throughout my high school, so there were already lots of awesome rumors there to greet me. But for once I really did not care what people had to say, I was going to be out of that place in a couple weeks, they could think what they wanted about me... they didn't know who I was inside. It was so frustrating to me that everyone in that school seemed to notice so much about how much of a freak I was, and apparently know absolutely everything that was going on in my life, EXCEPT for what my boyfriend was doing to me. When it came to the abuse I was dealing with from him, everyone was so willing to turn their cheek, and ignore it; apparently I was the crazy one, not him. A lot of people did not want to get involved with Jared, they knew he was bad news; and most people in that town did everything to avoid his parents, because they knew they were trouble too. Even the school staff themselves were perfectly fine with ignoring the obvious signs, so I was stuck going through hell, and the only support I got from that place or anyone there was them broadcasting rumors about my life all around the school.  There were many times at school where we would be fighting, screaming at the top of our lungs, I would be screaming for him to get off of me, to let me go. I'd get shoved against lockers, dragged through the halls; kicking, screaming, crying, and did anyone care to notice? Of course not, apparently I was invisible to everyone there. Just in case you haven't been able to tell yet...I really hated that high school. 

A few days before I was set to move out, Jared and I were in a serious fight again and he had threatened to kill himself again. I messaged his mom a few times, asking her to check on him.  Jared had stopped messaging me back, so I was naturally worried. Though I had got to the point where I knew this was not my problem, I had already done my part to warn his mom, and I could not save him, it was in her hands now. I was physically and emotionally drained, I very much wanted to attempt suicide too, but I fought off the urge and was finally able to just fall asleep because I was so exhausted. I woke to a missed call and text early that morning from Jared's mom, he was in the emergency room because of an overdose. She was wanting to know if I knew if Jared had ever drank, because the doctors needed to know so that they could pump his stomach. I told her the truth from what I knew, Jared had promised that he stopped drinking when he started dating me, but I knew he had drank at least a few times during our relationship (pretty sure it was much more than that though). She had told me that she found him in the night throwing up (but unconscious) they took him to the emergency room, where he was still unconscious. 

I went straight to the hospital to see him as soon as he had woke up (he had been in a coma for about 12 hours) and was right there by his side, trying to show him that I loved him. As desperately as I wanted to get away from that relationship, I could not just shut off the fact that I loved him, and him coming close to losing his life was of course terrifying to me. Though the greeting I got from him was him being all pissed off at me for telling his mom that he drank. It's not like I was trying to taddle on him, it was a life or death situation, and yet I still got yelled at from him about it. Little did anyone know (or care), that I also was very close to attempting suicide the night before; but for now all that mattered was that he was okay. The frustrating part was the fact that he lied through his teeth to get out of the hospital, making them believe that everything was okay, and making me out to seem like I was the bad guy. The stupid part is it worked, I started to view myself as the bad guy, I should have been a better girlfriend, been there for him more, etc. It was hard for me not to see myself as the reason he almost died that day. 

Out of the fact that I was blaming myself, plus was terrified that he had almost died, it was hard for me not to go back to showing him love. I ended up going back home with him, because he said he wanted to spend some time with me, even though previously I thought I was done with him, I got guilted back into staying. Of course we couldn't even last a few hours without getting in another fight, and having him threaten suicide again. I was so tired of this life, so tired of being manipulated into staying with this guy. I felt like I had a gigantic thorn collar around my neck, I was a slave to being stuck in this miserable life. I wished so badly that I didn't love him so much, that I could just not care. If I could have cut my heart out, I most definitely would have, because I didn't want to feel for him...I didn't want to feel anything. 

I still moved in with my sister, and started attending my new high school and new job right away. I felt a little freedom, and I was trying to have a positive outlook. I knew absolutely no one in my high school, and had about zero desire to "make friends" because I had way too many other things to worry about at the time, but it was refreshing to walk down the halls and not hear about the latest rumors of myself. I felt invisible in that big school, and at the time, I actually enjoyed that feeling. The only problem was, I still could not cut the ties with Jared, he wouldn't let me. Since we spent more time apart, his craziness (or at least what I saw of it) died down a little, and he made me believe that he was doing some changing. He started attending a little counseling, and even told me he was going to church. Since I still loved him, it was so hard for me not to fall back into that trap, especially because I still felt bad about him attempting suicide. So we kept in contact, and I would still end up seeing him at least once a week. Even amid everything that had already happened, I still could not let go of my feelings, so I fell for him over again. STUPID....STUPID....STUPID! I really wish I could have just shut the feelings off, I cared too much, and at the time I absolutely hated that about myself, because it caused me to get stuck in situations like this. 

8. No Place Like Home..

After spending the majority of the day/night fighting back and forth with Jared, I had enough. I was exhausted mentally and emotionally, I was depressed and didn't know where to turn.

 I was beyond sick of all of the drama and rumors which were being spread around my high school about me, and I was sick of everything that was going on within our relationship. Along with that, Jared's family had also started blaming me for his depression problems. They claimed that they had never noticed that he had a problem until I came around. The truth is, they only started noticing more that I was around, because I was constantly begging his parent's to keep and eye on him; since he was always threatening suicide to me. He had depression/anger problems long before he met me, he admitted that, and previous girlfriends of his also verified that. I was sick of feeling trapped trying to save him when I didn't even know how to save myself, and could not handle being blamed for his problems on top of that, when I felt like I was the only one actually trying to help him. 

I made up my mind that I needed to get away, I felt like I was literally going to go completely insane if I did not leave, I COULD NOT take anymore. When my family went to sleep, I started packing up my belongings, I had decided to run away (childish I know, but I honestly could not bear to stick around another day). I honestly did not care where to, or how long it would last, I just needed to get away. A friend of mine, Jason, lived up in Northern Utah, and he agreed to let me stay there until I got back on my feet again. I had never met Jason in person before, but had talked to him for a few years and became good friends, so I felt I could trust him. And compared to what I was running away from, I figured it couldn't get any worse then what I was already leaving behind. 

My plan was to start again somewhere new, I was hoping to start school again in the new area, and live with my friend until I could get a new job and afford my own place. Of course, I hadn't done a ton of planning, because my main concern was just to get away from the living hell I was stuck in. This was something that I had in the back of my mind for months before as a back-up plan, so it was something that was already discussed with my friend, and I figured I could make it work. 

I left my house around 2:00 AM that morning, and left my parents a note behind letting them know where I had gone, and what my plan was. Of course I knew they would be worried, but at the time I honestly felt like I had no other choice, I needed to do it for my own sanity's sake. I started my 4 hour journey, to what I was hoping would be freedom, a new start. I was terrified, anxious, depressed, and excited all at the same time. I was so exhausted in every way, and I had a million thoughts running through my mind, but I tried to focus all my concentration on just getting to my destination safely. I ended up reaching my destination close to 7:00 AM that morning, I met up with my friend and drove my car back to his place. 

I was exhausted, so I pretty much went straight to the couch and passed out for a few hours. Jason woke me up to let me know he was going to work (at Walmart) and told me a few other details before taking off for the day. After getting a couple hours of sleep, I decided I would go to Walmart to grab a few things, because I really didn't want to be at his place when his roommate got home. All of my stuff was still crammed in my car, but I decided I would unpack later when Jason got home. That morning I had been texting my mom and a friend of mine back and forth to let them know what was going on, and they were both trying to convince me to come home. Part of me wanted to go back home, but the other part was way too terrified to have to deal with Jared any longer. 

I arrived at Walmart, I basically was just there to kill time, so I bought a few random items. They included seat covers for my car, some junk food, etc. I was still mentally and emotionally fried, and with my current state of mind I really shouldn't have been driving at all. I also have to mention the fact that I am from a small town, and I really had not driven anywhere but in that area so far, so coming up to this big city was so much different for me, and I was terrified to drive among that much traffic. 

On my way out of the parking lot, I was attempting to make a left-hand turn onto the highway, and a bunch of cars had pilled up behind me waiting for me to go. I already felt like my brain was going to explode because of everything going on, I was stressed because of the traffic and the impatient drivers behind me, so I felt pressured to pull out before I should have. I waited for the highway to clear up somewhat, but there was still a minivan coming the opposite direction, they were still pretty far away so I figured I could make it...

I pulled out onto the highway to turn left, and all of a sudden it seemed like the minivan was moving much faster, I looked out of the corner of my eye and that's when I realized that I was going to get hit, there was no avoiding it. The thought rolled across my mind, "Well I guess this is it, I'm going to die," but for some reason I also felt semi peaceful inside, instead of freaking out that I was about to get plowed into. The van T-Boned my car on the drivers side, and my car did a 360, completing the spin so that I was facing the oncoming traffic. Not only did I just get hit, but now I was facing oncoming traffic, so I figured there was no way I was going to make it out of this. Luckily the vehicles coming my way were able to see the wreck soon enough to stop so that they would not hit me. I sat in my car just staring off, I felt so dazed, I'm pretty sure I was in shock. All of a sudden there was a cop at my passenger side door knocking on my window saying "Miss...you need to get something on that wound right away, put some pressure on your head!" It wasn't until he said that, that I glanced up into my rear view mirror and noticed the crater of a cut that I had on my forehead; I could see what looked like the bone in my forehead, and had blood all over my face, dripping down on my neck and to my chest. I reached into my backseat and grabbed a jacket of mine to press against my head. 

The paramedics had arrived, but they were concerned that I may have broke or injured my neck, so they did not want to try and pull me out from the passenger side door. The door on my drivers side was sealed shut from the impact, so they ended up needing to use the Jaws Of Life to cut my car open and pull me out. First they broke my window, then cut the door before they pulled me out and carefully placed me on a stretcher. I felt pretty ridiculous laying there, I was completely strapped down to the stretcher, from the straps on my feet up to the straps across my head, they wanted me to be as still as possible since they weren't sure if anything was broken yet. 

They loaded me into the ambulance and began asking me questions about my identity, what I remembered, etc. It was at that point that the paramedics told me that I was lucky to be alive, they told me that if the van would have hit just a few inches further towards my driver door, I would have either been crushed to the point where I would have been paralyzed from the waist down, or crushed to death. Where the van hit my car, it crushed the side of the car inward at least a foot in length. That was definitely an eye opener for me; to hear that a matter of inches could have meant that I would be paralyzed for the rest of my life, or killed. After we arrived to the hospital, I had what seemed like a million X-Rays to determine whether or not I had broke anything. Luckily, nothing was broken, and I was able to escape the wreck with only bruises and the cut on my forehead. I did end up needing two layers of stitches in my forehead since the wound was so deep. 

The next issue was my friend Jason had no idea where I was, or that I had been in a wreck, and I had accidentally left my cell phone at his house so I had no way to contact him. 

My car was completely totaled, all of my belongings were in my car, and I was stuck 4 hours away from home. My family was eventually contacted about my wreck, and Jason was able to find out as well, luckily my sister and brother-in-law were able to come pick me up. The last 48 hours had been so much to take in, and I felt like I was still in a state of shock from everything that was going on. Of course Jared had also been texting/calling me all day long begging me to come home, that he would treat me better, and he was sorry. I was looking forward to being able to go back home to my family, but I was not looking forward to being stuck with Jared again. The one good thing that I felt like did come from this event is I think my family finally realized that what I was stuck in was serious, and I REALLY needed help. Looking back now, I think there is also a reason why I wrecked and ended up needing to go home; because knowing who Jason is now I'm sure matters would have gotten a lot worse had I actually had stayed with him. 

For the meantime I was home, I felt completely numb and lost to my surroundings, but at least I knew I was home with my family. I don't think I was ever so happy to be back in my own home. And for now I had a couple days to try and think things out before having to see Jared again; I really wished I did not have to come home to that part of my life though. I needed to get away from him...and I had no idea how. 

7. ALONE

Things continued to get worse in our relationship, but it was still so back and forth. Some days things were good, and we thought we wanted to spend our future together; other days all hell broke loose and I just wanted to get away.

On the sexual aspect, I had gotten to the point where I felt numb to everything, mentally and emotionally I would try to disconnect when we would do anything, because I did not want to be "there". Looking back now, I am pretty certain that he was a sex/porn addict (of course I could never get him to admit to that though). There were a lot of warning signs and evidence. There were many times where when we would have sex, I would just lay there and cry, that's all I could manage to do. The times where I was not physically crying, I was crying on the inside; I felt so miserable and dead inside, so trapped. I was in pain physically, emotionally and spiritually. I had dealt with the feelings for so long that I figured this was just my destiny, this was all my life was going to be; apparently my role in life was just to be used. I had let myself slip so far that I honestly could see no way out, no hope for my future. The only escape I could see was death, but I really wanted to refrain from suicide even though it seemed so inviting, because I did not want to hurt my family like that.

Although I must admit, there were many times were I figured me killing myself would be the better alternative to the pain that I was already causing my parents. Everything I did was disappointing to them, and I could see how bad I was hurting them because of my actions. They didn't understand what was actually going on in the relationship until later on, so they could not understand why I wouldn't leave him, and why I was doing the things I was. Many times my way to fight the urge to commit suicide, was the fact that I could imagine my little sister's finding my dead body, and that horrified me. I would picture the scene inside my head of my limp body lying on the bathroom floor, with blood stains everywhere; and my sisters finding me there. I could not bear the thought of them having to live with those images for the rest of their lives.

Granted, I was still very suicidal, I could not get the thoughts out of my mind. It felt like I was obsessed with my own death; anywhere I went, anything I did was surrounded with images of me killing myself. I was constantly imagining my death, and my funeral. When I would drive, all I could think about was how I could run my car in front of a semi truck, or drive off a cliff. At school I would picture myself hanging from the bathroom ceiling, or lying on the floor covered in blood, I even imagined bringing a gun to school to shoot myself on spot. I felt so sick in the head, so messed up. And yet I felt like there was no one I could go to, no one could save me from the mess I was in. I was terrified of the guy I was dating, of myself, and my life; everything was completely out of control and no one understood.

I felt so alone, the few friends I did have all left me except for one (as I mentioned earlier, I still feel that girl is a godsend, she was one of the very few things that kept me going). I struggled going to church because although there were some leaders that tried to help me, they didn't know what to do; and there were some that would flat-out treat me and tell me that I was going to Hell; I also got that a lot from some of my old "so-called friends). My parents didn't know the extend of what was going on, or how to help. I felt like it was me against the world; and I was some how supposed to find a way to not only save myself, but save my messed up boyfriend as well.

When Jared would threaten to kill himself, I would text his Mom, begging her to check on him, to watch him. For the first bit, she would reply to me. Then she just started ignoring me, ignoring my begging, she figured it was just a game and was annoyed by it. And his dad was a joke, he didn't care, he would even joke around about Jared killing himself. I also felt like the small town I lived in, the authorities took almost nothing seriously, everything was very lax and they didn't want to get involved in situations. So overall, I felt very alone. I was only a 16 year old teenager and I felt like I was responsible for saving two lives, two people that were very lost. Part of me wanted so badly to get away from Jared, but the other part felt like I needed him, he was the only one that I felt close to; we were both relying so much on each other for our lives (like I said, VERY codependent and very unhealthy). No one else seemed to get what was going on, or cared enough to step in to help.

One night after me and Jared had got into a big fight, I decided I would run away. I needed to get away from him, that town, the people. I wanted to get far away without having to take my life...

6. Love...Or a Trap?

The next group of posts will all be descriptions of events which happened while dating Jared, they span over a two year period (16-18 yrs. old) Not sure how many posts I will need to divide it into, but I will number them in case it becomes confusing what the order is. A big chunk of events/emotions that I feel I need to recover from, come from those 2 years, so I will be spending a good amount of time on this subject. 


Before I knew it, I had fallen hard for Jared, and I was back into one of my "happy & in love" kicks....but that wouldn't last long.

 I started feeling decent again when it came to my depression, so I eventually stopped going to counseling (partially because I didn't want to attend anymore, and part of it because I didn't feel like I needed it much at the time). We started getting serious pretty quickly, a lot quicker than I had planned for, and things got out of control fast in a lot of ways. 

Looking back now, I can see that there were so many things that he lied to me about, about who he was, what he did, who he was with, what he wanted from me, etc. But at the time, I was trapped in his lies of thinking he actually "loved" me, and so I fell back into my routine of bending over backwards and doing anything to be with him. I had the mindset of thinking that I could change him, that I could help him become a better person, and bring him to believe in the church, and everything would work out in the end. Boy was I wrong...definitely had the mindset of a teenager. Not only was I unable to "change" his ways, but instead I started slipping downward fast onto his level. Since my standards started dipping again, and the way I was being treated started getting worse and worse, my depression also returned in full force. Normally he accepted the fact that I did not want to have sex until I was married, but that changed after a small incident.

He ended up coming to school one day on crutches, I was concerned of course, and when I asked him what happened this was his reply: "I was hanging out with some of my guy friends last night, and accidentally lit my pants on fire. I forgot I had spilled gasoline on them earlier, and so when I got too close to the fire my leg caught on fire." His entire left leg was completely covered in 3rd degree burns. Though the answer he gave me didn't quite seem to add up in my head, I chose to believe it since I try to trust the greater-good in people. Later I would find out that he was at a party drinking, and willingly let other guys catch his leg on fire (that's how drunk he was) I'm also pretty sure he was cheating on me while there. Anyways, because of these burns, he was on some medication for the pain, and this seemed to alter his personality quite a bit. Not only was he trying to get me to stoop a lot lower in doing stuff with him, but he was abusing the medication he had been given (and would later find out that he was selling it too).

Regretfully I eventually ended up sleeping with him, and that sent me straight back into my depression cycle. Part of me gave in because I was scared I would lose him if I told him No, and I was so in love with him at the time that I didn't know if I could bear letting him go, I'd never felt closer to another person. Of course now, I see that I would have been much better off if I didn't give into him, and I let him walk away. I would mess up with him, feel horrible and get severely depressed, try to change, and then end right back into the same cycle because I wanted to escape the depression and feel loved. There were multiple occasions that I decided and told him that I did not want to be like that, and that was not what I wanted; so he would agree that we wouldn't have sex, but then always ended up pressuring me back into again and again. Of course I can see now why church leaders always warn not to participate in any type of intimacy before marriage, because among a lot of other reasons, it messes with your emotions BIG TIME. I felt so connected with this guy, I wanted so badly to be with him, my naive mind wanted to marry him, be with him forever. And what was he giving me in return? Nothing. Nothing but using my uncontrolled emotion against me, to trap me with him. Things started getting out of control, he started treating me a lot differently, didn't care about my feelings or that doing stuff with him left me feeling completely HORRIBLE about myself. His main concern seemed to turn to; "Well I still want sex, so I just need to act like I love her so that she will stick around." Truth is, I did love him, way more than I should have; but eventually I realized that this is not what I wanted in a relationship. I wanted love, not lust; I wanted something real, not just giving into him for a night so that I could feel wanted for a moment.

When I realized that as much as I loved him, he could not respect my boundaries, I wanted out. Problem is, he didn't agree with that, he was not ready to lose me. He wanted me to stay in his life and went to the extreme of being willing to do anything to manipulate me into staying with him. If I would threaten to break up with him, and walk away, he would threaten to hurt himself. He would threaten to commit suicide if I left him. Not to mention, in the mix of all of this, he also told me that he wanted to marry me, we planned to get married when we got out of high school. So there I am, one side is the part that is desperately in love with him, and cleaving onto the idea that he wants to marry me, and somehow we will make things work and live "happily ever after" ( Yes, I know, I was very naive). Then there's the other part which sees he's using me, I'm  stuck engaging in sexual activity when I know that it makes me feel so hollow and depressed, and I can see that he's slowly turning into a manipulative/abusive boyfriend. Oh, and then you have to add the fact that my natural personality is one where I am dying to help people, to be the "hero" in a sense. So you add that to the fact that I see my boyfriend struggling with depression, threatening to kill himself; and I feel so inclined to stick around to help. Which is why his method worked out perfectly, he knew that I wouldn't dare leave him, because I loved him too much, and could not stand to live with myself if he were to kill himself because of me.

Things got to the point where our relationship basically turned into a suicidal game. I was depressed, he was depressed; I felt stuck, but I could not leave out of fear that he would hurt himself. There would constantly be threats of one or the other killing them self out of one reason or another. I wanted to literally die because of what he was putting me through, and what I was stuck in, I thought death was the better alternative. And he wanted me to stay with him so desperately that he threatened to kill himself if I even thought about leaving. 

To understand a little bit about where this guy is coming from, he was definitely sick in the head in one form or another. He struggled with depression, anger issues, an abusive past, a bad family life, etc. He was stuck in a crowd of friends "the cool crowd" that really weren't friends at all, they openly admitted that they only kept him around because he was the entertainment. They would always make him do stupid stuff at the gatherings (getting lit on fire, letting them put out their cigarette butts on his skin, among a million other stupid things) and he would let them, for the life of me I do NOT know why. My guess is he just wanted to be accepted by them. Bottom line is, they didn't care at all about him, and they would admit that; and his family life was no better. Deep down I could see the good in him, I saw glimpses of that guy throughout our relationship, and that's what made it so hard for me to leave. Deep down he was smart, caring, fun, honest; but he kept letting the alternative side take over, and eventually win. So basically between his issues, and my own issues, we were what you could call a ticking time bomb just waiting to blow. 

We were the perfect match for chaos, and we managed to bring out the absolute worst in each other because of our issues, and because of how codependent we both were. I have never been so depressed, lost and angry in my life than I was during that time frame. I was a very mellow person, shy, timid, never swore. After being with him, I would engage in fights with him screaming at the top of our lungs, swearing every other word, physically fighting, hating everything and everyone. He was so good with mind games; one moment it was "Kelsie, I love you so much, I can't wait to marry you," and us planning out our life together. The next moment was him forcing me to do stuff I did not want to do, screaming at me, treating me horrible, abuse, etc. It drove my teenage brain and emotions completely insane. 

I hated life, hated the situation I was stuck in, but somehow I was still in love with him. Really? Talk about messed up. I always thought it was so crazy to hear stories where a lady will get abused by their boyfriend or spouse but they don't leave...well now I understood why. I was stuck on so many different levels, I somehow still loved him and sacrificed my safety and sanity to stay with him, plus he would not let me leave because of his threats. I had gotten to the point where I was that girl, I was that girl that was dealing with every type of abuse possible, and yet was still staying with the guy. My life was a nightmare.

5. Glimmer of Hope before the Storm

After a few very rough years struggling with depression I finally started making a little progress in helping myself feel a little better. I started trying to actually talk to my counselor a little more, and making commitments not to harm myself. I started taking some Anti-Depressants, doing some daily exercise, and working with my bishop to get myself worthy again. I still struggled with depression, but for the time being I felt okay. Although I felt that the Anti-Depressants did help me to not hit rock bottom as often, I also felt like I could not feel happiness either, like I was stuck feeling numb to every emotion.

(FYI: Names of people have been changed in these blogs)

Even though I still struggled with self-esteem issues, I felt like I finally had a couple tools to keep me a little more sane, and I was trying to continue doing the positive things, attempting to change my life.

However, a couple months later (Junior Year-16 yrs. old) I met Jared. I had seen him around school, but had never really talked to him until we ended up in the same weights class, the last semester of my Junior year. I heard a little bit about the reputation he had, he claimed he was atheist, a bit of a rebel, jock on the football/wrestling team, and my friends warned me not to date him. Normally I would not go for this type of guy, especially where I was in the process of trying to rebuild myself, but for some reason I was so drawn to him. We started chatting, became good friends, and I felt like I could really connect with him and be myself. He wanted to become boyfriend/girlfriend, and I was hesitant at first; then I made him the deal that I would only date him if he understood that if he ever wanted to get more serious with me he would need to be a member of the LDS church. He was familiar with the religion, and he was technically LDS, but he was just at a point where he didn't want to "believe" that there really was a God. I had made a commitment that I would not marry someone who wasn't LDS, because religion was something that was very important to me, and I wanted to be able to share those same values with my husband. He agreed, and we started dating; life felt great for a while, and I felt happy again. Little did I know at the time, that I should have listened to my gut feeling and just ran FAR FAR AWAY from that guy. I was about to get myself into one big nightmare of a mess, something that would haunt me for the rest of my life....