The call came from someone that I had not spoken to for almost a year, it was a guy friend (if you could even call him that). I was very surprised and confused because I never talked to him, we weren't close, and I had no idea what he would have been calling me for. I also noticed that I had a text from him asking: "Are you okay?" By that point I was really confused, and a little concerned. I messaged him back asking him what he was talking about, and he said to call him.
The words that came out of his mouth are words I'll never forget, they were: "Jared committed suicide last night." I felt like I was in shock, and I could not believe the words I was hearing. I asked for a few more details, and we ended the conversation. As I continued to make my way across campus my mind was numb, I felt like everything around me was a complete blur. Originally I thought I would just head home, I had no desire to go to my next class; but I felt prompted that I just needed to get myself to class. The entire class period I just sat there staring at my desk, I don't remember one word that was said during the lesson, my mind was elsewhere.
By the time I had gotten out of class I noticed I had a bunch of missed calls and texts from my good friend Teri (she was the one that stuck with me through thick and thin during high school, and I owe my very life to) During the time that I had spent in class she had heard the news and rushed down to the College to be with me, to make sure I was okay. She knew everything that happened between the two of us, and she knew that I still loved and cared about him so much, so she knew I would not take the news well at all.
I was feeling so many different emotions, and yet at the same time I felt completely numb. I got out of class and started to make my way back across campus planning to walk back to my apartment. There was a very big part of me that felt like I died that day, and because of that there was a large portion of me that felt like the only option I had was to commit suicide myself. Walking across campus with all of these thoughts racing through my brain, I saw Teri running towards me, I didn't realize she had already drove down there, but it was a good thing she did. All I wanted to do was be alone, I didn't want someone to comfort me. Teri is very persistent though, so she managed to embrace me in a hug and force-walked me back to my apartment.
Her sister Ash was also there at my apartment (she was a friend of mine too from earlier on in high school) they both sat in my room with me for the rest of the afternoon, taking turns wrapping their arms around me, even though I kept fighting it. I sat there for hours, head against the wall, staring off, bawling my eyes out. I felt so numb, so dead, and yet so emotional all at the same time. I didn't know how to process what I was feeling, but it hurt, it hurt beyond words' description. I couldn't help but blame myself...what if I hadn't have left him, what if I would have been a better girlfriend, what if I would have been a better friend, what if I would have fulfilled his needs better, the list went on and on. I felt like a horrible person, and felt like everyone else must think the same. My mom also came down when she heard the news, to stay with me for a little while to make sure I was okay.
I felt so numb, and didn't know how to process anything I was feeling. I was supposed to go on a date that night with my friend Kyler. Originally I told him that I needed to cancel, but then I decided to still go visit him just so that I could get away from my emotions for a little bit. I mainly was looking forward to the drive, that was one thing that I always enjoyed was driving alone listening to my music, I felt like it helped me clear my mind. He lived about an hour away, so it would give me a decent drive. I wasn't really emotionally or mentally available for our date, but it was still better than being alone to sulk in my emotions.
The drive home I broke down emotionally. Driving home through the dark canyon alone with my music was the perfect setting to let all of my emotions come flooding out. It seemed like every song that kept playing on my Ipod somehow related to how I was feeling at the time, a few of the ones that I remember came on were "Why" by Rascal Flatts, "My Immortal" by Evanescence, My heart will go on by Celine Dion. Even though it might sound cheesy, they were very triggering to my emotions at the time; and they still bring back a lot of emotion and memories for me when I hear them come on.
When I got home I was still an emotional wreck, I spent the rest of the night in a mixture between: pacing back and forth in my room, bawling my eyes out, and sprawled out on my bed with my face in my hands asking myself "WHY?" over and over again. I don't think I've ever cried as hard as I did that night, I didn't sleep, and I didn't go to school the next day. It felt like I couldn't do anything anymore without my thoughts constantly revolving around Jared and his death. The little amount of sleep I did get during that time frame was almost always interrupted by horrific nightmares. I would wake up screaming and crying; not only was the dreaming horrible, but I would have hallucinations of Jared hanging in my room after I woke. He committed suicide by hanging himself, so I often woke up swearing I could see him hanging from my closet across the room. I was completely mortified by the thoughts and the images in my mind, it seemed to consume me. My heart went numb that day, and it would remain that way for years.
To be continued in the next post....
Here are just a few of the songs that brought a lot of emotion to me after his death:
I felt so numb, and didn't know how to process anything I was feeling. I was supposed to go on a date that night with my friend Kyler. Originally I told him that I needed to cancel, but then I decided to still go visit him just so that I could get away from my emotions for a little bit. I mainly was looking forward to the drive, that was one thing that I always enjoyed was driving alone listening to my music, I felt like it helped me clear my mind. He lived about an hour away, so it would give me a decent drive. I wasn't really emotionally or mentally available for our date, but it was still better than being alone to sulk in my emotions.
The drive home I broke down emotionally. Driving home through the dark canyon alone with my music was the perfect setting to let all of my emotions come flooding out. It seemed like every song that kept playing on my Ipod somehow related to how I was feeling at the time, a few of the ones that I remember came on were "Why" by Rascal Flatts, "My Immortal" by Evanescence, My heart will go on by Celine Dion. Even though it might sound cheesy, they were very triggering to my emotions at the time; and they still bring back a lot of emotion and memories for me when I hear them come on.
When I got home I was still an emotional wreck, I spent the rest of the night in a mixture between: pacing back and forth in my room, bawling my eyes out, and sprawled out on my bed with my face in my hands asking myself "WHY?" over and over again. I don't think I've ever cried as hard as I did that night, I didn't sleep, and I didn't go to school the next day. It felt like I couldn't do anything anymore without my thoughts constantly revolving around Jared and his death. The little amount of sleep I did get during that time frame was almost always interrupted by horrific nightmares. I would wake up screaming and crying; not only was the dreaming horrible, but I would have hallucinations of Jared hanging in my room after I woke. He committed suicide by hanging himself, so I often woke up swearing I could see him hanging from my closet across the room. I was completely mortified by the thoughts and the images in my mind, it seemed to consume me. My heart went numb that day, and it would remain that way for years.
To be continued in the next post....
Here are just a few of the songs that brought a lot of emotion to me after his death:
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