16. College

By this point in time I felt like I was numb to all feelings, I had been hurt far too long that emotionally I just went numb inside.

For the most part, Jared kept his distance. There was one time when he added me on Myspace under a fake name, trying to get me to chat with him acting like he was someone else. There were a few other times where he started talking to me again, and I caved. It was one of the hardest things to 1. Push this guy out of my life, when I still had feelings for him. 2. Pretend like I didn't care about him, and didn't need him, when deep down all I wanted to do was run back to him. I felt like I was living in a double life, sometimes Jared and I would start talking again, and start becoming close; but to the rest of the world I had to act like all contact had ended and that I wanted nothing to do with him. I also didn't have the guts to call the cops and let them know that Jared had broke his restraining order.

After a while things got to the point where I knew I couldn't go back to him, and I had to stop talking to him. So any time he would contact me I would just flip out at him and tell him I wanted nothing to do with him. I couldn't go back to the life with him, I knew it wasn't safe; so I lied telling him I hated him and wanted nothing to do with him, when deep down I still loved him. The only way he would stop pursuing me is if I continually told him I wanted nothing to do with him, even though each time I said it I knew it was a lie.

I was determined that I was going to continue living my life, and that I would not let the things of my past drag me behind. This was hard though, because I honestly had no idea what to do with my life, and with my future. I had it so set in my mind that I would be getting married fresh out of high school, that I honestly never even had any intention of going to college. So when I graduated, and continually had to tell the guy that I loved that I hated him, I wasn't sure where to go from there. I still wanted to get married soon, and start that part of my life; but I knew that would not be easy since my feelings were elsewhere. For the time being, I decided I would just work as much as I could and earn money to go to college.

The few friends I did have went straight to college, so I was kind of the odd one out that decided to start working first. Unlike them, I was paying for my own education, and I wasn't going to have any help with it. I didn't want to get into debt, so instead I wanted to make sure I had enough money for the year before I started. I worked the first semester and got the money I needed to start school the following semester. It always bugged me so much though, because everyone kept giving me such a hard time that I was not in college yet. Telling me that I was "throwing my life away" just because I was taking a semester off to work first to earn the money. They were acting like I was taking the time off to party or something. When reality, I was determined to succeed, but I wanted to earn my way there; not borrow or milk my parents for money. I also was working to pay off my car, so that I wouldn't have to worry about that debt either.

Winter/Spring semester after I graduated, I started attending College. I moved into an apartment with five other girls. I really wanted to go down there, live the college life, and make some friends. But with the way I was at the time, there was almost no hope for that. I felt completely numb to the world, I felt like I could not connect with anyone, I felt like a complete loser, and didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. When I was at my apartment I would just sit in my room with the door locked, my entire stay at snow college consisted of being either in class, or in my room. When I would come into my apartment, I would bee-line it to my room. If I had to get some food from the kitchen, I would purposely wait until I knew there was no one out there, and then hurry and grab something and go straight back to my room. I had no desire to be seen or be social. I would go to class, do my homework, and sulk in my room.

Not long after I moved to go to College, Jared had started to text me again trying to find out what was going on in my life. I told him I was in college, was moving on, etc. He kept pressuring to know where I was living, what college I was going to, etc. But I flat out told him that I wasn't going to tell him that information because I didn't want to be stalked and didn't feel safe with him knowing where I lived.

Even though I had no social life during college, I had really good grades, so I figured at least I was getting somewhere with my education.
About this time I also started looking into online dating (as silly as it sounds). I was too anti-social at the time to meet guys in person, but I didn't want to be alone so I decided to try out the online thing. I actually really liked this, because it gave me the opportunity to really read into the guy, and chat with him a lot before I had to ever meet him. And if I had any type of bad vibes about him, if things felt off, or I could tell he was a creep; then I could just block and delete him, and would never have to talk to him again. I loved the setup. Of course, there's a lot of creeps out there, but I would do my research before ever meeting up with any guy, I was determined that I was going to find a good guy and not settle for less. During this time I met one guy online (Kyler) that seemed really cool, we hit it off well, he was very smart and we could have endless conversations about anything and everything. I liked him because he seemed to have substance, had a brain, and was also sweet and genuine. He came down to meet me, and the first date was quite awkward, we were both really shy and it was strange since I was weary to be on a real date again. We were both very similar, very introverted and both had depression problems. I had a hard time reading his signals so I didn't think he was into me at all, but found out later that he really liked me, he was just being timid. Anyways we continued to chat and became good friends, but I was in no hurry to start dating anyone exclusively, or get into a relationship.

By this point in time it had been around 8-9 months since charges were pressed against Jared, and the restraining order was put into place. My heart still ached for him, and deep down I still hoped that he would get his act together so that we could be together. Even after everything that happened between us, and all the crap he did to me, I still loved him, and I couldn't seem to let that go. As much as I still loved him, and cared about him; I had to put up the front that I wanted nothing to do with him. I was lying to myself, but there was no other way to keep myself at a safe distance without lying about my feelings. The last conversation that I remember having with Jared was telling him to quit stalking me, and to f*** off basically. I feel bad because I wasn't nice at all, but it seemed like there was no other way to get the message across to him. I forgot to mention, that also a couple months previous to this I also found out that Jared had a bunch of charges placed against him for sexual harassment (so I wanted to keep myself away from him, I didn't want to be dragged into that again) I believe he ended up having something like 27 different girls come forward and complain to the school about Jared, so they finally went to the police.

Basically regardless of what had happened, and what I was trying to do with my life, my heart was still stuck on Jared. And for some reason I still had this unreal idea in my head that one day he would change, and we would live the life that we originally planned for. As badly as I was hurt by everything, I couldn't seem to let him go...