17. Good-Bye's without Closure: Part 1

One chilly morning late in January, as I made my way out of my first class, and across campus to my next I noticed that I had a missed call. Little did I know, that single call would change my life forever.

The call came from someone that I had not spoken to for almost a year, it was a guy friend (if you could even call him that). I was very surprised and confused because I never talked to him, we weren't close, and I had no idea what he would have been calling me for. I also noticed that I had a text from him asking: "Are you okay?" By that point I was really confused, and a little concerned. I messaged him back asking him what he was talking about, and he said to call him.

The words that came out of his mouth are words I'll never forget, they were: "Jared committed suicide last night." I felt like I was in shock, and I could not believe the words I was hearing. I asked for a few more details, and we ended the conversation. As I continued to make my way across campus my mind was numb, I felt like everything around me was a complete blur. Originally I thought I would just head home, I had no desire to go to my next class; but I felt prompted that I just needed to get myself to class. The entire class period I just sat there staring at my desk, I don't remember one word that was said during the lesson, my mind was elsewhere.

By the time I had gotten out of class I noticed I had a bunch of missed calls and texts from my good friend Teri (she was the one that stuck with me through thick and thin during high school, and I owe my very life to) During the time that I had spent in class she had heard the news and rushed down to the College to be with me, to make sure I was okay. She knew everything that happened between the two of us, and she knew that I still loved and cared about him so much, so she knew I would not take the news well at all.

I was feeling so many different emotions, and yet at the same time I felt completely numb. I got out of class and started to make my way back across campus planning to walk back to my apartment. There was a very big part of me that felt like I died that day, and because of that there was a large portion of me that felt like the only option I had was to commit suicide myself. Walking across campus with all of these thoughts racing through my brain, I saw Teri running towards me, I didn't realize she had already drove down there, but it was a good thing she did. All I wanted to do was be alone, I didn't want someone to comfort me. Teri is very persistent though, so she managed to embrace me in a hug and force-walked me back to my apartment. 

Her sister Ash was also there at my apartment (she was a friend of mine too from earlier on in high school) they both sat in my room with me for the rest of the afternoon, taking turns wrapping their arms around me, even though I kept fighting it. I sat there for hours, head against the wall, staring off, bawling my eyes out. I felt so numb, so dead, and yet so emotional all at the same time. I didn't know how to process what I was feeling, but it hurt, it hurt beyond words' description. I couldn't help but blame myself...what if I hadn't have left him, what if I would have been a better girlfriend, what if I would have been a better friend, what if I would have fulfilled his needs better, the list went on and on. I felt like a horrible person, and felt like everyone else must think the same. My mom also came down when she heard the news, to stay with me for a little while to make sure I was okay.

I felt so numb, and didn't know how to process anything I was feeling. I was supposed to go on a date that night with my friend Kyler. Originally I told him that I needed to cancel, but then I decided to still go visit him just so that I could get away from my emotions for a little bit. I mainly was looking forward to the drive, that was one thing that I always enjoyed was driving alone listening to my music, I felt like it helped me clear my mind. He lived about an hour away, so it would give me a decent drive. I wasn't really emotionally or mentally available for our date, but it was still better than being alone to sulk in my emotions.

The drive home I broke down emotionally. Driving home through the dark canyon alone with my music was the perfect setting to let all of my emotions come flooding out. It seemed like every song that kept playing on my Ipod somehow related to how I was feeling at the time, a few of the ones that I remember came on were "Why" by Rascal Flatts, "My Immortal" by Evanescence, My heart will go on by Celine Dion. Even though it might sound cheesy, they were very triggering to my emotions at the time; and they still bring back a lot of emotion and memories for me when I hear them come on.

When I got home I was still an emotional wreck, I spent the rest of the night in a mixture between: pacing back and forth in my room, bawling my eyes out, and sprawled out on my bed with my face in my hands asking myself "WHY?" over and over again. I don't think I've ever cried as hard as I did that night, I didn't sleep, and I didn't go to school the next day. It felt like I couldn't do anything anymore without my thoughts constantly revolving around Jared and his death. The little amount of sleep I did get during that time frame was almost always interrupted by horrific nightmares. I would wake up screaming and crying; not only was the dreaming horrible, but I would have hallucinations of Jared hanging in my room after I woke. He committed suicide by hanging himself, so I often woke up swearing I could see him hanging from my closet across the room. I was completely mortified by the thoughts and the images in my mind, it seemed to consume me. My heart went numb that day, and it would remain that way for years. 

To be continued in the next post....

Here are just a few of the songs that brought a lot of emotion to me after his death:

16. College

By this point in time I felt like I was numb to all feelings, I had been hurt far too long that emotionally I just went numb inside.

For the most part, Jared kept his distance. There was one time when he added me on Myspace under a fake name, trying to get me to chat with him acting like he was someone else. There were a few other times where he started talking to me again, and I caved. It was one of the hardest things to 1. Push this guy out of my life, when I still had feelings for him. 2. Pretend like I didn't care about him, and didn't need him, when deep down all I wanted to do was run back to him. I felt like I was living in a double life, sometimes Jared and I would start talking again, and start becoming close; but to the rest of the world I had to act like all contact had ended and that I wanted nothing to do with him. I also didn't have the guts to call the cops and let them know that Jared had broke his restraining order.

After a while things got to the point where I knew I couldn't go back to him, and I had to stop talking to him. So any time he would contact me I would just flip out at him and tell him I wanted nothing to do with him. I couldn't go back to the life with him, I knew it wasn't safe; so I lied telling him I hated him and wanted nothing to do with him, when deep down I still loved him. The only way he would stop pursuing me is if I continually told him I wanted nothing to do with him, even though each time I said it I knew it was a lie.

I was determined that I was going to continue living my life, and that I would not let the things of my past drag me behind. This was hard though, because I honestly had no idea what to do with my life, and with my future. I had it so set in my mind that I would be getting married fresh out of high school, that I honestly never even had any intention of going to college. So when I graduated, and continually had to tell the guy that I loved that I hated him, I wasn't sure where to go from there. I still wanted to get married soon, and start that part of my life; but I knew that would not be easy since my feelings were elsewhere. For the time being, I decided I would just work as much as I could and earn money to go to college.

The few friends I did have went straight to college, so I was kind of the odd one out that decided to start working first. Unlike them, I was paying for my own education, and I wasn't going to have any help with it. I didn't want to get into debt, so instead I wanted to make sure I had enough money for the year before I started. I worked the first semester and got the money I needed to start school the following semester. It always bugged me so much though, because everyone kept giving me such a hard time that I was not in college yet. Telling me that I was "throwing my life away" just because I was taking a semester off to work first to earn the money. They were acting like I was taking the time off to party or something. When reality, I was determined to succeed, but I wanted to earn my way there; not borrow or milk my parents for money. I also was working to pay off my car, so that I wouldn't have to worry about that debt either.

Winter/Spring semester after I graduated, I started attending College. I moved into an apartment with five other girls. I really wanted to go down there, live the college life, and make some friends. But with the way I was at the time, there was almost no hope for that. I felt completely numb to the world, I felt like I could not connect with anyone, I felt like a complete loser, and didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. When I was at my apartment I would just sit in my room with the door locked, my entire stay at snow college consisted of being either in class, or in my room. When I would come into my apartment, I would bee-line it to my room. If I had to get some food from the kitchen, I would purposely wait until I knew there was no one out there, and then hurry and grab something and go straight back to my room. I had no desire to be seen or be social. I would go to class, do my homework, and sulk in my room.

Not long after I moved to go to College, Jared had started to text me again trying to find out what was going on in my life. I told him I was in college, was moving on, etc. He kept pressuring to know where I was living, what college I was going to, etc. But I flat out told him that I wasn't going to tell him that information because I didn't want to be stalked and didn't feel safe with him knowing where I lived.

Even though I had no social life during college, I had really good grades, so I figured at least I was getting somewhere with my education.
About this time I also started looking into online dating (as silly as it sounds). I was too anti-social at the time to meet guys in person, but I didn't want to be alone so I decided to try out the online thing. I actually really liked this, because it gave me the opportunity to really read into the guy, and chat with him a lot before I had to ever meet him. And if I had any type of bad vibes about him, if things felt off, or I could tell he was a creep; then I could just block and delete him, and would never have to talk to him again. I loved the setup. Of course, there's a lot of creeps out there, but I would do my research before ever meeting up with any guy, I was determined that I was going to find a good guy and not settle for less. During this time I met one guy online (Kyler) that seemed really cool, we hit it off well, he was very smart and we could have endless conversations about anything and everything. I liked him because he seemed to have substance, had a brain, and was also sweet and genuine. He came down to meet me, and the first date was quite awkward, we were both really shy and it was strange since I was weary to be on a real date again. We were both very similar, very introverted and both had depression problems. I had a hard time reading his signals so I didn't think he was into me at all, but found out later that he really liked me, he was just being timid. Anyways we continued to chat and became good friends, but I was in no hurry to start dating anyone exclusively, or get into a relationship.

By this point in time it had been around 8-9 months since charges were pressed against Jared, and the restraining order was put into place. My heart still ached for him, and deep down I still hoped that he would get his act together so that we could be together. Even after everything that happened between us, and all the crap he did to me, I still loved him, and I couldn't seem to let that go. As much as I still loved him, and cared about him; I had to put up the front that I wanted nothing to do with him. I was lying to myself, but there was no other way to keep myself at a safe distance without lying about my feelings. The last conversation that I remember having with Jared was telling him to quit stalking me, and to f*** off basically. I feel bad because I wasn't nice at all, but it seemed like there was no other way to get the message across to him. I forgot to mention, that also a couple months previous to this I also found out that Jared had a bunch of charges placed against him for sexual harassment (so I wanted to keep myself away from him, I didn't want to be dragged into that again) I believe he ended up having something like 27 different girls come forward and complain to the school about Jared, so they finally went to the police.

Basically regardless of what had happened, and what I was trying to do with my life, my heart was still stuck on Jared. And for some reason I still had this unreal idea in my head that one day he would change, and we would live the life that we originally planned for. As badly as I was hurt by everything, I couldn't seem to let him go...

15. Lock Down & Restraining Order

I wasn't sure how school was going to go after I had vowed that I was finished with him, but my plan was just to try and avoid him as much as possible....

First day back and he was already in my face as I tried to make my way to my first period class. He saw me walking down the hall and immediately caught up to me, telling me that he "Needed to talk to me." I told him that was great, but he lost his opportunity, and I had no desire to talk to him. He continued to get more and more frustrated dancing around in my face, repeating over and over again that he needed to talk to me. When he started to block me from going into my class, and trying to grab me, I decided I had enough and I attempted to walk off. I needed to get somewhere safer. I proceeded down a busier hallway, hoping to somewhat lose him in the crowd of students. As I was about to walk past the girls bathroom, someone had pushed me inside.

To my surprise it was one of the staff members (I'm not sure what her official title was, but basically she was the one that walked around the halls getting mad at students for sluffing and attendance, and would generally bring in the police when needed) I had never really talked to her, other than her getting mad at me a few times before when I was out in the halls instead of in class. Generally I had tried to avoid her because she always seemed so grumpy. When she shoved me into the girls bathroom I was confused about what she could possibly want from me now.

Apparently she had been watching the school's security cameras and noticed what Jared was doing to me out in the halls, so she was coming to the rescue. After almost a year and a half of dealing with this, and someone was finally noticing? Either way, I was grateful that someone finally cared enough to help. She called one of the cops at the school and told him to keep Jared away from the girls bathroom so that she could escort me out of there. They held him back (he was kicking and screaming to make quite the scene) while she took me straight down to her office where I was met by the on-duty school cop, and one other cop that got called in. I was super surprised that they were finally taking things seriously, it almost felt shocking, but it was finally happening.

They locked me in that office with them, while Jared paced back and forth outside the room screaming, banging on the door, cussing at the top of his lungs, etc. They told me that I was in lock-down inside that office until they were able to get things under control, so I could get away safe. I spoke with the police and told them the story of what was going on between us, and they agreed that they needed to keep him away from me. After being in lock-down for a couple of hours, they called my parent's to let them know what was going on, and told them that they would be sending me home from school early. They even told my mom that they should expect me home within a certain time frame, and if they didn't she should call the police. They weren't taking the situation lightly. They finally escorted me to my car, and made sure I was able to leave the school safely. They had told me that they would be sending a police officer out to my house in a couple hours to check on me and get an official statement.

The officer came to my house, and had me write a statement about everything that had happened (including the time that Jared tied me up and tried to make me watch him commit suicide, him wrecking his car in front of me, the abuse, etc.) They were going to use the statement to get a restraining order for me. I told them I was scared to press the charges, and to be honest it was hard for me to fully want to press charges because I still loved that guy. They came to an agreement that the school would be the ones to initiate the charges so that it didn't have to come directly from me; so I agreed. I'm pretty sure the charge which they ended up filing for was for a No-Contact order, so that Jared was not supposed to have any means of contact with me, or come near me. While I was speaking with the police office, he specifically said the following: "You need to make sure that you keep yourself safe, watch where you go, who you are with, and who is around you. I've been around people like Jared before, and he is completely unstable. To be honest with you, he has the personality of someone who would do something like try kidnapping you, or coming after your family to get back at you in revenge. We want to make sure that this does not escalate to something like a kidnapping or death."

....Well that was comforting...It was no longer just me freaking out in my own teenage mind anymore; a cop himself had just told me that my ex boyfriend was capable of coming after me or my family to either kidnap or kill. This was serious, and I was in the middle of it.

Jared ended up getting suspended from our high school for the rest of the school year. I was a senior at the time, and he was a Junior (he was a month younger than me, so he missed the deadline for my grade). They decided they would at least kick him out of the school long enough for me to be able to graduate in peace, then depending on how he acted he may be able to come back his senior year.

I was relieved and terrified all at the same time. People were finally trying to help me out, but now that the action had been taken, I was terrified for how Jared and his parents might react. To be honest, I was just waiting for his parent's to try and get back at me by trying to sue me or my family for something, by the amount of stuff that they were trying to pin as my fault and claim I was doing.

It took a little time for them to officially kick Jared out of school, so for the meantime I was escorted to and from my car and classes by an On-Duty cop. The reason it took them so long to get him kicked out of school, is because his parent's were fighting it to the T. Like I said, they were trying to pin everything on me, I was the crazy one that should be kicked out of school. So for the next week or two I had to work back and forth with the cops and faculty to provide proof of what was going on, and help answer questions until they finally got him removed from the school. I'm sure I've already mentioned this, but his parent's completely terrify me, maybe even more than Jared did. And I wasn't the only one that was terrified of them, the staff and police hated to have to work with his family too. In a lot of ways, they thought they were above the law, and the cops had already had a lot of other bad run-ins with his family (Still don't know the details on that, but basically the whole family seemed to be trouble).

For the next little while I didn't hear anything from Jared; but my parent's were very eager to make sure that they knew where I was going to be at all times, and they hated me going anywhere alone.