1. Childhood Influences

The family I grew up in was very loving, but also very strict. Although I always felt that my parent's wanted what was best for us, and that they loved me, I always felt the sense that I wasn't quite Enough. It felt as though there was very rarely meaningful conversation in my home, and that sharing your feelings was completely unheard of. I come from a family of 9, with 5 sisters and 1 brother. I felt very much like a mute as a child, like no matter how badly I wanted to express myself I just could NOT get the words to come out of my mouth. Granted, I'm sure a lot of that came from the shame I felt because of the fact that my older brother had sexually abused me at a young age.

I was somewhere between the ages of 6-8 when it started, my brother being about 6 years older than me; it would happen frequently for a period of time, then there would be a space of time where he would leave me alone, only to have it reappear months to a year or so later. I believe this happened up until I was around the age of 10 or 11. I do not see my brother as being a bad guy at all, and I believe the things he did back in the day was merely out of a sense of curiosity and not to hurt me; but either way, the trauma that has developed throughout my life because of those days has been overwhelmingly hard to bear. Although I've dealt with a lot of shame and depression because of those events, it actually wasn't until I was sitting in a counselors' office a little over a year ago that I finally realized that what my brother did was WRONG and that I was truly effected by it. I had been in complete denial about the whole ordeal until it finally resurfaced in that office, I had done so well at denying it that I had almost managed to wipe it from my memory. The only problem is that the pain, anxiety, depression, etc. were all still there; and I had not realized that a lot of these feelings I had been battling my entire life could actually be traced back to the sexual abuse. I had told no one about what my brother did to me, NO ONE, I had been living with the burden of the abuse for almost a good 15 years before it finally came out in that office; although it brought back a lot of very bad memories and feelings, in a way it was also refreshing. Refreshing to know that maybe I wasn't as crazy as I had lead myself to believe over the past 15 years, maybe I wasn't as screwed up as I had made myself out to be; there was real trauma there, trauma that I had been dealing with because of a situation that I had been completely in denial about.

I did not want anyone to know, I did not want anyone to think of my brother as a "bad guy" and me being the younger sister I did not even know if my feelings were valid. Was this sort of stuff okay to happen? Was it actually abuse? Did it really matter? YES...But it wasn't until my psychologist blatantly validated these feelings that I was finally able to accept them. This wasn't me, this wasn't my problem, it was abuse, and I had been dealing with the trauma and effects of it throughout my life. Once I shared it with my counselor the memories that I had tried so hard to block out of my mind came rushing back. I remember how dirty I felt, how used, how worthless, how confused. I was just a little girl, I didn't know what sense to make of it, and I didn't dare share it with my parents. I remember when I reached the age of 8 to be baptized I felt so guilty and dirty that I did not know if I should be baptized, or if God would see me as someone that was fit to be baptized. It was something I had been looking forward to for so long, and was so excited for; but now even as an 8 year old I felt worthless and like I had no right to become a member of God's church. Seriously, 8 years old, and I already felt like a complete piece of trash? No wonder I've struggled with depression problems my entire life! Even to this day, almost 15 years later I still feel the trauma; as much as I wish it didn't, it effects my marriage. It is so hard to be intimate with my husband without a lot of those negative feelings coming rushing back; my brother had literally made me feel like a science project, a freak of nature, an object to be explored, and now trying to have a healthy intimate relationship with my husband was sooo difficult (not to  mention the other sexual abuse added on top of that which I would experience throughout my teenage years).

It was also during this same time frame that I remember feeling some of my first suicidal thoughts; of course they were much more naive at this point. But even then I recall developing the unhealthy thoughts of "well maybe if I were to kill myself then I could escape these feelings", or "maybe it would show everyone how much I am hurting". The fact of the matter is, I developed a lot of very unhealthy ways to deal with my feelings at a very young age, and those behaviors have continued to haunt me throughout my life.