19. Guilt, Blame, and Grieving.

I did not attend Jared's funeral, I honestly felt like I was not allowed to. I could only imagine the uproar I would have caused when his family saw me there, I could just imagine them freaking out and kicking me out. Or even being so angry with me that they'd try something completely irrational. I could just feel the hatred and blame as if it were showering down on me.

But I longed to be there, I felt like I needed to see him at least one last time. This was the guy who I gave everything to, who I was real and vulnerable with, who took everything from me...and now he was lying in a casket. Not only that, but I could not even see him one final time for closure sake. As weird as it sounds, I felt like I just kept envisioning myself curling up in the casket with him, that's how desperately I wanted him to hold me one last time. I felt so messed up; after everything he had put me through, I still ached for him. As cheesy as it sounds, it felt like a huge chunk of me had died with him.

Everyone else was allowed to attend the funeral, all of his so-called friends who never actually gave a crap about him. People who claimed that they were "so close" to him, his family who never seemed to want to show they cared before he died. Yet I was not allowed to be there; I felt like I was literally the only person who actually knew him, who actually cared for him, who actually loved him. It hurt so bad, I'm not sure how to even explain it. The whole situation was messed up. Right after the funeral all of the people who supposedly cared so much, went right back on their merry way, his friends all went out to a party. Sure seemed like they all cared SO much...NOT...it was total bullshit. I guess it just hurt so bad that I could not be there with him, when the reality seemed like I was the only one who loved him, yet I was the only one shunned from being allowed the closure.

Anywhere I went I felt so judged by everyone around. Whether it was just my imagination, or reality I still don't know; but it felt like there were sheering glares of blame sent my way from people all around. I felt so out of place and alone; everything I did, everyone I saw, everywhere I went was just a painful reminder of the wounds that encompassed my heart. Like I mentioned, I'm not sure how much I was actually blamed, and how much was just me projecting my own feelings on myself- But I honestly felt like I could not even walk out my own front door without being judged and looked down on. It felt like pain and horrid memories were searing all around, and there was no escaping it.

Even though I made a promise that I would not take my own life, the desire to do so was nearly constant. I felt taken over, almost possessed at times with how consuming the thoughts were. I felt so dark, so full of pain, so far gone on the inside- It was a very scary place to be. I was not in a healthy spot whatsoever, but I also had no clue how to pull myself out of it, and help seemed nonexistent. 

There were a couple times I would go to Jared's grave site, taking him flowers and sitting there grieving at the loss. I would always be nervous making sure that no one else was around, I didn't dare let his family see me there. I would lay in the grass next to his grave and cry, saying out loud that I was so sorry, and that I still loved him. It was my way of trying to process the grief I felt inside.

...There in that grave laid the man who shattered everything I was, yet was also the man who still had every piece of my broken heart. Emotionally I felt completely intertwined with him.

18. Good-Bye's without Closure: Part 2

The rest of that semester seemed like one giant blur; emotionally and mentally I was long gone.

I felt so numb to the outside world, physically I went to my classes but I felt like a complete zombie. I had absolutely no desire to associate with others, learn, or be apart of society whatsoever. I just tried my best to make it through the rest of the semester, because I was so ready to be done with the setting. 

I failed to mention in the last post (Part 1) that just a few short days before Jared committed suicide, I had a huge trauma response when I finally started coming out of denial about just how messed up my sex life was with him. I was sitting in my Criminal Justice class listening to the lesson, my teacher was a highly-ranked guy well-known with the police force, and had been apart of that work force for many years. The topic of the lesson that day happened to be on Rape and Sexual Abuse, and just what that consisted of. Obviously I had heard of Rape lots of times before, and I thought I was pretty well-acquainted with what it meant; but I didn't realize until that class just how far in denial I still was about things between Jared and I. I don't remember the specific definition he gave, but after the teacher started explaining just what rape consisted of and what fell into the category of rape, my heart sunk. I kept asking myself, "Kelsie, why are you freaking out about this? This didn't happen to you!" But as much as I tried to talk myself out of those thoughts, or find reasons for why or how that couldn't be the case..all of the feelings proving otherwise were still swarming full-force within me. Eventually it got to the point where eventually I couldn't discredit them any longer, and I realized I had to face reality.

All of a sudden I was angry, sad, frightened, and emotional. It was at that moment when it hit me..."Was what Jared did to me Rape?" I always knew our sex life was messed up, I felt used, manipulated, hurt, scared, etc. But yet...since that was all I had ever known, I mistakenly thought that must be normal. For the first time it sunk in; I was used, abused, and what I now knew to be considered raped. I felt so disgusting and angry, I wanted so badly to scream at Jared; "How the Hell could you do this to me???!" "Who in their right mind would do this to a person??" 

For the next few days following I had so many emotions circulating through me, I was experiencing a lot of trauma and emotion and wasn't sure what to do with it. Then a few short days after that realization is when I received the news that Jared committed suicide. (I had no contact with Jared between the time frame of the two events) So adding on top of the fact that this man that I was so close to, the one person that I felt like I really let into my life, into my soul, was now dead- I was also dealing with a million emotions already in regards to the realization of what he had put me through sexually/emotionally. The combination of those two huge things sent me spiraling. 

I felt like I had no support, no one to turn to,  no one who understood what I was going through. I felt so alone, so rejected, and so forgotten. Nobody wanted to address what was going on with me, they just didn't want to deal with the pain and sorrow, they couldn't stand the discomfort. 

About a week after Jared's suicide, as I was making my way to class I got stopped by an old classmate (the same guy who called to inform me that Jared had killed himself) At first he asked how I was doing, I didn't have much of a response other than that I was hanging in there. First I was relieved that somebody was actually checking in on me, someone actually cared a little about what I was dealing with. Then his next response proved otherwise. He said, "You're not still upset about what happened, are you??" Basically telling me that I needed to forget about it and move on, that Jared was an ass, and I should not care that he killed himself. I was completely baffled, I had no words to say, I simply walked away. Here I was dealing with so much pain, shock and emotion from everything that had enfolded the past week, and the very person that broke the news to me, was now telling me I was a complete idiot for feeling anything. The pain and shock was immense, the toll it took on my mind and body were simply indescribable. 

I wanted so badly to run, to escape from what I was feeling. But at the same time, I felt like I was completely numb anyways. I'm still not even sure how to explain it, other than my mind and heart literally felt completely frozen in time. And that's the state it would continue to stay in for at least the next couple years to come.

The one good thing that did come from these events, is I made a pact with myself and with a friend that I would never take my own life. To be completely honest, I wanted to go the route of suicide very much, so much that it was completely all-encompassing. But for the sake of my friend's sanity, I made the promise. After seeing/feeling the immense pain that the suicide of a loved one had on me, I could not bear to put someone else through that same torture with my own actions. I made the decision right then and there that I would trudge on, and press forward through the pain. Even though I had no idea how to, I knew I could not give up. As badly as I wanted to escape, I could not fathom inflicting this same pain on someone I cared so dearly for. I could not bear inflicting this pain on my family, or friends. So with that; the long, painful journey of holding on by a thread began.

17. Good-Bye's without Closure: Part 1

One chilly morning late in January, as I made my way out of my first class, and across campus to my next I noticed that I had a missed call. Little did I know, that single call would change my life forever.

The call came from someone that I had not spoken to for almost a year, it was a guy friend (if you could even call him that). I was very surprised and confused because I never talked to him, we weren't close, and I had no idea what he would have been calling me for. I also noticed that I had a text from him asking: "Are you okay?" By that point I was really confused, and a little concerned. I messaged him back asking him what he was talking about, and he said to call him.

The words that came out of his mouth are words I'll never forget, they were: "Jared committed suicide last night." I felt like I was in shock, and I could not believe the words I was hearing. I asked for a few more details, and we ended the conversation. As I continued to make my way across campus my mind was numb, I felt like everything around me was a complete blur. Originally I thought I would just head home, I had no desire to go to my next class; but I felt prompted that I just needed to get myself to class. The entire class period I just sat there staring at my desk, I don't remember one word that was said during the lesson, my mind was elsewhere.

By the time I had gotten out of class I noticed I had a bunch of missed calls and texts from my good friend Teri (she was the one that stuck with me through thick and thin during high school, and I owe my very life to) During the time that I had spent in class she had heard the news and rushed down to the College to be with me, to make sure I was okay. She knew everything that happened between the two of us, and she knew that I still loved and cared about him so much, so she knew I would not take the news well at all.

I was feeling so many different emotions, and yet at the same time I felt completely numb. I got out of class and started to make my way back across campus planning to walk back to my apartment. There was a very big part of me that felt like I died that day, and because of that there was a large portion of me that felt like the only option I had was to commit suicide myself. Walking across campus with all of these thoughts racing through my brain, I saw Teri running towards me, I didn't realize she had already drove down there, but it was a good thing she did. All I wanted to do was be alone, I didn't want someone to comfort me. Teri is very persistent though, so she managed to embrace me in a hug and force-walked me back to my apartment. 

Her sister Ash was also there at my apartment (she was a friend of mine too from earlier on in high school) they both sat in my room with me for the rest of the afternoon, taking turns wrapping their arms around me, even though I kept fighting it. I sat there for hours, head against the wall, staring off, bawling my eyes out. I felt so numb, so dead, and yet so emotional all at the same time. I didn't know how to process what I was feeling, but it hurt, it hurt beyond words' description. I couldn't help but blame myself...what if I hadn't have left him, what if I would have been a better girlfriend, what if I would have been a better friend, what if I would have fulfilled his needs better, the list went on and on. I felt like a horrible person, and felt like everyone else must think the same. My mom also came down when she heard the news, to stay with me for a little while to make sure I was okay.

I felt so numb, and didn't know how to process anything I was feeling. I was supposed to go on a date that night with my friend Kyler. Originally I told him that I needed to cancel, but then I decided to still go visit him just so that I could get away from my emotions for a little bit. I mainly was looking forward to the drive, that was one thing that I always enjoyed was driving alone listening to my music, I felt like it helped me clear my mind. He lived about an hour away, so it would give me a decent drive. I wasn't really emotionally or mentally available for our date, but it was still better than being alone to sulk in my emotions.

The drive home I broke down emotionally. Driving home through the dark canyon alone with my music was the perfect setting to let all of my emotions come flooding out. It seemed like every song that kept playing on my Ipod somehow related to how I was feeling at the time, a few of the ones that I remember came on were "Why" by Rascal Flatts, "My Immortal" by Evanescence, My heart will go on by Celine Dion. Even though it might sound cheesy, they were very triggering to my emotions at the time; and they still bring back a lot of emotion and memories for me when I hear them come on.

When I got home I was still an emotional wreck, I spent the rest of the night in a mixture between: pacing back and forth in my room, bawling my eyes out, and sprawled out on my bed with my face in my hands asking myself "WHY?" over and over again. I don't think I've ever cried as hard as I did that night, I didn't sleep, and I didn't go to school the next day. It felt like I couldn't do anything anymore without my thoughts constantly revolving around Jared and his death. The little amount of sleep I did get during that time frame was almost always interrupted by horrific nightmares. I would wake up screaming and crying; not only was the dreaming horrible, but I would have hallucinations of Jared hanging in my room after I woke. He committed suicide by hanging himself, so I often woke up swearing I could see him hanging from my closet across the room. I was completely mortified by the thoughts and the images in my mind, it seemed to consume me. My heart went numb that day, and it would remain that way for years. 

To be continued in the next post....

Here are just a few of the songs that brought a lot of emotion to me after his death:

16. College

By this point in time I felt like I was numb to all feelings, I had been hurt far too long that emotionally I just went numb inside.

For the most part, Jared kept his distance. There was one time when he added me on Myspace under a fake name, trying to get me to chat with him acting like he was someone else. There were a few other times where he started talking to me again, and I caved. It was one of the hardest things to 1. Push this guy out of my life, when I still had feelings for him. 2. Pretend like I didn't care about him, and didn't need him, when deep down all I wanted to do was run back to him. I felt like I was living in a double life, sometimes Jared and I would start talking again, and start becoming close; but to the rest of the world I had to act like all contact had ended and that I wanted nothing to do with him. I also didn't have the guts to call the cops and let them know that Jared had broke his restraining order.

After a while things got to the point where I knew I couldn't go back to him, and I had to stop talking to him. So any time he would contact me I would just flip out at him and tell him I wanted nothing to do with him. I couldn't go back to the life with him, I knew it wasn't safe; so I lied telling him I hated him and wanted nothing to do with him, when deep down I still loved him. The only way he would stop pursuing me is if I continually told him I wanted nothing to do with him, even though each time I said it I knew it was a lie.

I was determined that I was going to continue living my life, and that I would not let the things of my past drag me behind. This was hard though, because I honestly had no idea what to do with my life, and with my future. I had it so set in my mind that I would be getting married fresh out of high school, that I honestly never even had any intention of going to college. So when I graduated, and continually had to tell the guy that I loved that I hated him, I wasn't sure where to go from there. I still wanted to get married soon, and start that part of my life; but I knew that would not be easy since my feelings were elsewhere. For the time being, I decided I would just work as much as I could and earn money to go to college.

The few friends I did have went straight to college, so I was kind of the odd one out that decided to start working first. Unlike them, I was paying for my own education, and I wasn't going to have any help with it. I didn't want to get into debt, so instead I wanted to make sure I had enough money for the year before I started. I worked the first semester and got the money I needed to start school the following semester. It always bugged me so much though, because everyone kept giving me such a hard time that I was not in college yet. Telling me that I was "throwing my life away" just because I was taking a semester off to work first to earn the money. They were acting like I was taking the time off to party or something. When reality, I was determined to succeed, but I wanted to earn my way there; not borrow or milk my parents for money. I also was working to pay off my car, so that I wouldn't have to worry about that debt either.

Winter/Spring semester after I graduated, I started attending College. I moved into an apartment with five other girls. I really wanted to go down there, live the college life, and make some friends. But with the way I was at the time, there was almost no hope for that. I felt completely numb to the world, I felt like I could not connect with anyone, I felt like a complete loser, and didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. When I was at my apartment I would just sit in my room with the door locked, my entire stay at snow college consisted of being either in class, or in my room. When I would come into my apartment, I would bee-line it to my room. If I had to get some food from the kitchen, I would purposely wait until I knew there was no one out there, and then hurry and grab something and go straight back to my room. I had no desire to be seen or be social. I would go to class, do my homework, and sulk in my room.

Not long after I moved to go to College, Jared had started to text me again trying to find out what was going on in my life. I told him I was in college, was moving on, etc. He kept pressuring to know where I was living, what college I was going to, etc. But I flat out told him that I wasn't going to tell him that information because I didn't want to be stalked and didn't feel safe with him knowing where I lived.

Even though I had no social life during college, I had really good grades, so I figured at least I was getting somewhere with my education.
About this time I also started looking into online dating (as silly as it sounds). I was too anti-social at the time to meet guys in person, but I didn't want to be alone so I decided to try out the online thing. I actually really liked this, because it gave me the opportunity to really read into the guy, and chat with him a lot before I had to ever meet him. And if I had any type of bad vibes about him, if things felt off, or I could tell he was a creep; then I could just block and delete him, and would never have to talk to him again. I loved the setup. Of course, there's a lot of creeps out there, but I would do my research before ever meeting up with any guy, I was determined that I was going to find a good guy and not settle for less. During this time I met one guy online (Kyler) that seemed really cool, we hit it off well, he was very smart and we could have endless conversations about anything and everything. I liked him because he seemed to have substance, had a brain, and was also sweet and genuine. He came down to meet me, and the first date was quite awkward, we were both really shy and it was strange since I was weary to be on a real date again. We were both very similar, very introverted and both had depression problems. I had a hard time reading his signals so I didn't think he was into me at all, but found out later that he really liked me, he was just being timid. Anyways we continued to chat and became good friends, but I was in no hurry to start dating anyone exclusively, or get into a relationship.

By this point in time it had been around 8-9 months since charges were pressed against Jared, and the restraining order was put into place. My heart still ached for him, and deep down I still hoped that he would get his act together so that we could be together. Even after everything that happened between us, and all the crap he did to me, I still loved him, and I couldn't seem to let that go. As much as I still loved him, and cared about him; I had to put up the front that I wanted nothing to do with him. I was lying to myself, but there was no other way to keep myself at a safe distance without lying about my feelings. The last conversation that I remember having with Jared was telling him to quit stalking me, and to f*** off basically. I feel bad because I wasn't nice at all, but it seemed like there was no other way to get the message across to him. I forgot to mention, that also a couple months previous to this I also found out that Jared had a bunch of charges placed against him for sexual harassment (so I wanted to keep myself away from him, I didn't want to be dragged into that again) I believe he ended up having something like 27 different girls come forward and complain to the school about Jared, so they finally went to the police.

Basically regardless of what had happened, and what I was trying to do with my life, my heart was still stuck on Jared. And for some reason I still had this unreal idea in my head that one day he would change, and we would live the life that we originally planned for. As badly as I was hurt by everything, I couldn't seem to let him go...

15. Lock Down & Restraining Order

I wasn't sure how school was going to go after I had vowed that I was finished with him, but my plan was just to try and avoid him as much as possible....

First day back and he was already in my face as I tried to make my way to my first period class. He saw me walking down the hall and immediately caught up to me, telling me that he "Needed to talk to me." I told him that was great, but he lost his opportunity, and I had no desire to talk to him. He continued to get more and more frustrated dancing around in my face, repeating over and over again that he needed to talk to me. When he started to block me from going into my class, and trying to grab me, I decided I had enough and I attempted to walk off. I needed to get somewhere safer. I proceeded down a busier hallway, hoping to somewhat lose him in the crowd of students. As I was about to walk past the girls bathroom, someone had pushed me inside.

To my surprise it was one of the staff members (I'm not sure what her official title was, but basically she was the one that walked around the halls getting mad at students for sluffing and attendance, and would generally bring in the police when needed) I had never really talked to her, other than her getting mad at me a few times before when I was out in the halls instead of in class. Generally I had tried to avoid her because she always seemed so grumpy. When she shoved me into the girls bathroom I was confused about what she could possibly want from me now.

Apparently she had been watching the school's security cameras and noticed what Jared was doing to me out in the halls, so she was coming to the rescue. After almost a year and a half of dealing with this, and someone was finally noticing? Either way, I was grateful that someone finally cared enough to help. She called one of the cops at the school and told him to keep Jared away from the girls bathroom so that she could escort me out of there. They held him back (he was kicking and screaming to make quite the scene) while she took me straight down to her office where I was met by the on-duty school cop, and one other cop that got called in. I was super surprised that they were finally taking things seriously, it almost felt shocking, but it was finally happening.

They locked me in that office with them, while Jared paced back and forth outside the room screaming, banging on the door, cussing at the top of his lungs, etc. They told me that I was in lock-down inside that office until they were able to get things under control, so I could get away safe. I spoke with the police and told them the story of what was going on between us, and they agreed that they needed to keep him away from me. After being in lock-down for a couple of hours, they called my parent's to let them know what was going on, and told them that they would be sending me home from school early. They even told my mom that they should expect me home within a certain time frame, and if they didn't she should call the police. They weren't taking the situation lightly. They finally escorted me to my car, and made sure I was able to leave the school safely. They had told me that they would be sending a police officer out to my house in a couple hours to check on me and get an official statement.

The officer came to my house, and had me write a statement about everything that had happened (including the time that Jared tied me up and tried to make me watch him commit suicide, him wrecking his car in front of me, the abuse, etc.) They were going to use the statement to get a restraining order for me. I told them I was scared to press the charges, and to be honest it was hard for me to fully want to press charges because I still loved that guy. They came to an agreement that the school would be the ones to initiate the charges so that it didn't have to come directly from me; so I agreed. I'm pretty sure the charge which they ended up filing for was for a No-Contact order, so that Jared was not supposed to have any means of contact with me, or come near me. While I was speaking with the police office, he specifically said the following: "You need to make sure that you keep yourself safe, watch where you go, who you are with, and who is around you. I've been around people like Jared before, and he is completely unstable. To be honest with you, he has the personality of someone who would do something like try kidnapping you, or coming after your family to get back at you in revenge. We want to make sure that this does not escalate to something like a kidnapping or death."

....Well that was comforting...It was no longer just me freaking out in my own teenage mind anymore; a cop himself had just told me that my ex boyfriend was capable of coming after me or my family to either kidnap or kill. This was serious, and I was in the middle of it.

Jared ended up getting suspended from our high school for the rest of the school year. I was a senior at the time, and he was a Junior (he was a month younger than me, so he missed the deadline for my grade). They decided they would at least kick him out of the school long enough for me to be able to graduate in peace, then depending on how he acted he may be able to come back his senior year.

I was relieved and terrified all at the same time. People were finally trying to help me out, but now that the action had been taken, I was terrified for how Jared and his parents might react. To be honest, I was just waiting for his parent's to try and get back at me by trying to sue me or my family for something, by the amount of stuff that they were trying to pin as my fault and claim I was doing.

It took a little time for them to officially kick Jared out of school, so for the meantime I was escorted to and from my car and classes by an On-Duty cop. The reason it took them so long to get him kicked out of school, is because his parent's were fighting it to the T. Like I said, they were trying to pin everything on me, I was the crazy one that should be kicked out of school. So for the next week or two I had to work back and forth with the cops and faculty to provide proof of what was going on, and help answer questions until they finally got him removed from the school. I'm sure I've already mentioned this, but his parent's completely terrify me, maybe even more than Jared did. And I wasn't the only one that was terrified of them, the staff and police hated to have to work with his family too. In a lot of ways, they thought they were above the law, and the cops had already had a lot of other bad run-ins with his family (Still don't know the details on that, but basically the whole family seemed to be trouble).

For the next little while I didn't hear anything from Jared; but my parent's were very eager to make sure that they knew where I was going to be at all times, and they hated me going anywhere alone.

14. Another Encounter with the Police

There were occasions where I would try to get away from Jared (driving off) where he would end up chasing me down in his car and pulling out in front of me so that I couldn't escape. There was one such time when I was racing through the canyon in my car trying to get away from him, he sped in front of me, and then stopped his car in front of me (across both lanes) so that I could not pass without hitting him or his car. Keep in mind this was at night, it was dark, and it was a winding canyon road. So at any moment a car could have came flying around the bend and would have taken us both out because of what Jared was doing. This would end in me eventually giving in and following him back home, so that I didn't have to risk our lives out on the highway.

I had finally had enough, I was leaving him, and I was sticking to it regardless of what the consequences might be. I was losing myself, I was literally slipping away being stuck in this life acting as his puppet. I decided it wasn't worth it anymore, I couldn't save him, and it wasn't worth losing my life over. I was ready to stand up for myself, I told myself I was strong enough to walk away.  (By the way, the fact that I changed my phone number only lasted for about a day or two, then someone who I thought was my friend ended up giving Jared my new number)

He called me on my cellphone as I was on my way home from school with my little sister. I decided this was it, I told him I was finished with him, to leave me alone, and there was no way I was going back to him (of course the conversation was a lot more drawn out, and involved a lot of yelling and cussing back and forth) But the bottom line was, I was done. Come what may, I wasn't looking back. It felt so good when those words flooded out of my mouth, and I knew I meant them.

For the first time in about a year and a half I felt a tiny bit of freedom. I knew Jared well enough to know that things wouldn't be over that easily, he was bound to retaliate. But knowing that I wasn't going back regardless of what he did, gave me a sense of freedom and strength, I was done allowing him to have a death-grip on my life. After that phone call he continued trying to contact me relentlessly the rest of the night, but I ignored it. Until I made the mistake of mentioning that I had to pick up a check from my work, I wish those words wouldn't have made their way out of my mouth.

On my way home from work I saw his car sitting at a bend in the road, my heart started pounding in fear, what was he doing? Why was he there? He called, and I picked up my phone. He threatened; "Pull over or I'll wreck my car." There was no way I was going to willingly be around that lunatic anymore. Out of an attempt to hurry and make it home I sped up, trying to get away from him. He kept screaming in the phone, "PULL OVER OR I'LL WRECK MY CAR IN FRONT OF YOU!" I felt like my only way out was just to try and hurry home, it was only a few minutes away. I sped up to 75-80 mph when he came flying around my car, pulling out in front of me. He started swerving back and forth across the lanes until he abruptly turned left and went plowing into a fence. I couldn't believe what he just did, driving a little further, I pulled over and got out of my car. I wanted so badly to just keep driving, I did not want to go back for him, I was terrified of what I might find. I walked back to his car cautiously, I could tell he was okay, and I did not want to go near him out of fear for what he might do.

As I got to the car, I noticed an off-duty policeman driving further down the road about to pass us, I waved him down. Jared kept screaming at me from the car, "Don't you dare talk to him, I will kill myself." I had no doubt in my mind that it was a miracle there happened to be a cop driving by at that exact time...(it was night, and there were no cars on that road, except the cop that happened to come by) Even though the cop really wasn't much help, I knew I was being watched out for. I do not even want to guess what would have happened next if he didn't show up, because I had a very eerie feeling about it. I told the cop that Jared had purposely wrecked in front of me,  that he was suicidal and he needed help. During that time frame Jared had tried to wreck his car a couple more times by backing it up and slamming it into the fence again. You could tell that the cop really didn't care much about what was going on, but he tried calling someone on the scene anyways. After I told him what I knew, I ran to my car and went straight home. I did not want to be there any longer, I wanted to be far away from there.

Later I would find out that Jared took off running on foot through the fields trying to hide from the cops, he knew he was in trouble and didn't want to be around them. They didn't find him until hours later, but even at that point they did nothing. And Jared told his parent's that I made him wreck his car, that I ran him off the road. So now they hated me that much more, they were pissed because their car was totaled, and I had apparently just run their son off the road. When reality was he purposely wrecked, and almost killed both of us in the process.

Nothing positive ever came from that incident, his parents and the cops in that town still did nothing; so obviously I still didn't feel safe. It felt like I would never be safe.

13. Are all Guys Like this??

I have to mention, through the chaos of everything that was going on, I did have a couple people (church leader, friend, some family members) that never did give up on me. Of course, it was hard for me to see that as being significant since it seemed like everyone else was just laughing at my failures, telling me I was going to hell, or agreeing that I should kill myself. But to the few that never gave up on me, I am eternally grateful to them; I wouldn't have been able to get myself out of that mess and to where I am today without them...Even though it seemed like there was nothing left worth saving, they believed in me, and I couldn't have done it without them.

The Prom for my senior year was quickly approaching (at my school, prom is two nights in a row). Jared and I had originally agreed that one night we would go together, and the other we would go with someone else. Partially because we weren't officially together at that point in time (we were within one of our breakups), and also because his parents were somewhat forcing him to go with someone else the second night.

During school that Friday there was an assembly going on, Jared went to it, and I went home during that time frame. I was ticked off because we were fighting and I didn't want to be around him. Eventually when I returned for my next class, I found out from other student's that Jared had apparently been dragged out of the school by some cops. I found out later that he had gotten pissed off at one of the teachers (because they told him to put his phone away during the assembly) so he punched the teacher, and then practically ran a girl over as he stormed out of the assembly hall. I also heard that he ended up getting sent to a mental hospital, and to be honest I was quite happy and relieved to hear that at first. I felt like maybe I would finally be safe, at least for a little while, and maybe he would get help. Well that was short-lived, he ended up getting released that same night. Somehow his parent's were able to talk them into letting him go, blaming everything on me instead. I was the problem, I was the reason he was acting this way, I was the one to blame for ALL of his problems.

Anyways, because of all of that, we ended up missing the first night of prom (the one where we were supposed to go together). So for the second night, I planned to go with my friend who I had already asked. Well Jared had other plans, he threatened that if I stepped foot into the school with someone else he would kill them. So instead we planned to go together that Saturday night (which I agreed with, because I didn't want to make him angry). Well a couple hours before the prom, he decided to inform me that he was going to go with someone else instead. Here he threatened that if I brought someone else, he would literally beat them to death; then says I "have to go with him" and then last minute he bails on me and decides to go with someone else. He blamed it on the fact that his parents were making him go with this other girl...and blah, blah, blah. Either way, I was just emotionally drained from everything going on. The threats, his anger problems, and my emotions; I was just drained from it all.

So after I got off work that night, I decided I needed to get out, I couldn't just sit at my house and sulk in my depression. I knew my depression well enough by that point, that I knew I would turn suicidal if I allowed myself to sulk inside with my current state of mind. I tried contacting anyone I could think of, but everyone was busy, no one was available. Finally I went to more of a last resort shot, and texted my friend from Northern Utah (Jason, the one I had previously ran away to). I just needed someone to spend time with, so that I wasn't left alone in my negative thoughts/emotions. Well he agreed to have me come visit (he had always been very nice to me) so he was excited for me to come visit, and I was excited to have someone to hang out with and to get away from Jared for a night. Jason was a good friend of mine, we had been chatting back and forth for about 4 years by that point. He always seemed to be there for me when no one else would, and always encouraged me to try and get out of the crappy relationships I was in. All in all, I thought he was a great friend, and that he would never hurt me.

When I got up to his place, he took me out to dinner, and we went to see a movie. I don't even remember the last time someone had taken me out for a "real" date, let alone offered to pay for me. Since a date night to Jared had pretty much just turned into me getting raped for his own pleasure. Anyways, I was having a blast with Jason; it was fun to feel like someone was actually enjoying my company, and not forcing me to do something I was uncomfortable with. I felt like I was getting a glimpse of what a real relationship was supposed to consist of, where the guy actually treats you with a little respect.

Well I had spoken too soon...and found out yet again that it was only a cover up, treating me nicely so that he could use me later. By the end of the night we ended up kissing, but even that made me feel incredibly guilty, uncomfortable, and scared. One because I didn't trust guys, and two I was scared for how Jared would react. Even though there was the fact that he was out with another girl anyways, and he only used me for sex. It still scared me, I knew he wouldn't react well.

Things managed to turn bad very quickly. Like I mentioned, I already felt guilty with even kissing, but somehow by the end of the night he managed to use my broken state to get to the point of sex. I was beyond numb by that point, I just laid there and cried silently to myself. What was wrong with me, I couldn't be around a guy without getting used like this? I didn't want sex, in fact I hated sex. I had experienced nothing but horrible things from it; it only left me feeling disgusting, used, and like an object. And yet here I was AGAIN...practically getting raped by someone I thought was a friend; lying there crying, while he didn't care. He noticed my tears, but he dismissed it quickly, and when he was finished with me he went straight to sleep. I left as soon as I could the next morning, all I wanted to do was get out of there, but at the same time I had no desire to return home, I know what awaited me there. (By the way, I didn't end up hearing from that guy again until a year and a half later, when I eventually found out the truth about who he was. Apparently he was not only a drug addict, but sold drugs too. And he spent that next year and a half in prison for it) I was shocked when I finally found that out, I don't think I've ever met someone that was so good at hiding who he really was. He had two completely different sides to his personality, and the nice side was SO caring and so easy to get along with.

I know I've mentioned this a lot already, but I hated myself, I REALLY hated myself. I cannot tell you how much I just wanted to send a bullet through my brain, or run my car out in front of a semi. I felt completely hollow inside, my life revolved around getting used by any guy that got the chance, and I didn't know how to stop it, I wasn't strong enough. I could see no positive future, I would have no fairy-tale wedding, and no cute little kids running around. All I could see of my future was getting used and raped or suicide, it seemed like getting used for sex was the only reason I existed. It didn't matter that I had feelings and I didn't want it; apparently that was just how my life was going to be.  If there was marriage in my future, I figured it would eventually be with Jared, out of him either forcing me, or getting me pregnant. And if that were the case, I knew that would only mean being stuck in abuse for the rest of my life; I would be the lady that was stuck with the abusive husband, and I would be terrified to have kids because I wouldn't want to bring them into a broken home.

When I got home I just laid in bed all day, I felt dead inside, I felt sick inside and out. I had told Jared the truth about what happened, because I can't stand being dishonest. Don't ask me why I felt obligated to share the truth with him, since his entire relationship with me had been a lie. Of course he freaked out, and he shared the news with all of his friends. Not only did I have him freaking out, and calling me every name in the book; but I had all of his rude friends messaging me non-stop telling me how much of a horrible person I was. Of course, I already felt like I horrible person, and was trying my hardest to hold onto any hope I had so that I wouldn't end my life. But it didn't help that now I was hearing it from all his guy friends, reminding me of it with some of the cruelest messages I've ever received. Jared even managed to force me into having sex with him again (out of a way to "pay for my sin" for sleeping with the other guy) threatening that if I didn't, he would kill himself, or hurt my family.

The next morning the bishop came over to my house to talk to me, my family knew something was wrong by the way I was acting, and they were desperate to see if he could help.
He stood there with me in the front-room of our house, telling me that no matter what had happened that God still loved me, and that he still loved me. Telling me that there is nothing I could do that would change the way that Christ felt about me. I wanted so badly to believe those words, but how could God love someone like me? Why would God care about someone as disgusting and broken as myself? I didn't have the strength to even mutter a word the whole time, I just stood there and bawled my eyes out. I was weak, physically and emotionally; to the point where I ended up fainting from exhaustion. It was a little weird, one moment I was standing there crying and feeling a little dizzy, the next I was lying on the couch with my bishop standing above me. Apparently I had fainted, he caught me and set me on the couch. (he still jokes about that to this day).

I didn't want to be involved with Jared anymore, or any guy for that matter (but then again, that's how I had been feeling for quite a while) Things had gotten to the point where my parent's were trying to protect me a little more, and of course Jared's parents still hated me because of all of the things he was telling them. My parent's agreed to let me change my phone number, I didn't want to deal with him anymore. That didn't stop him from trying to contact me, he would call my house phone and call my work endlessly trying to get me to pick up the phone. I would literally come home from work to over 100 missed calls from Jared, he was driving my family nuts. He would have his friends call my house from different numbers trying to get me to pick up. A few times my family would answer and tell him off, that I had no desire to talk to him. At one point I finally picked up when his friend called. He told me how sorry Jared was for treating me, and that he wanted to marry me, that's why he gave me the promise ring. I was fed up and didn't want to deal with him anymore, I told him he could have the ring back, I didn't want it; I knew he didn't care.

(Again sorry for the language, just stating it how it was) It was also during this time frame that I was talking to one of my old guy friends, and he flat out told me about a conversation he had with Jared from a couple months previous. He asked Jared if him and I were still "together" and Jared's response was: "(laughing)..No, she's not my girlfriend. I just like to F*** her because she just lays there like a dead fish and puts up with it."

OUCH! ....No wonder I would supposedly "lay there like a dead fish", did it ever cross your mind that I didn't want sex? That I tried multiple times to get you off me, and you would threaten? Did it ever cross your mind that what you were doing to me was rape? Of course not....to him it was all a game. A game to force me into staying with him, I was his sex toy, and he thought it was hilarious that I was trapped with him. I cared enough for his life to stay with him, but to him it was a game, I was trapped in his grasp, and he loved it.